Does depression make me a burden?
Posted by ellarobson
12th Mar 2016

My experience of mental illness is something that I, at times, just cannot understand. Depression sucks, it sucks the life out of me. At times depression feels like Iím wearing some weird pair of goggles that only allows me to view life from a perspective thatís pretty rubbish. Everyone and everything is out to get me. Nobody actually likes me and, nobody would care, or does care, when things arenít going so well. I feel sick to my stomach, and hate everythingÖ I hate food, I hate showering, I hate sleep, I hate music, I hate people, I hate animals, I hate nice weather, I hate bad weather, I hate mess, I hate tidiness, I hate life. Nothing changes, nothing will change, and no matter how hard I try things that I want to disappear just wonít. No amount of food, self-hate, alcohol, crying, thinking or just simply Ďlivingí will make the depression disappear.

I want things, I want a life. I want a life where I can have relationships with people, actual people, and Iím not talking a romantic relationship Ė though yeah that would be pretty nice, Iím just talking about friendshipsÖ I have wonderful friends. Friends who I know (and hope) would never intentionally harm me, butÖ depression likes to convince me that they donít want me around them, or that people will just have a better time if I wasnít around.

I crave time alone, but when Iím alone itís the last thing I want. I want to cry in front of my friends, I want to be able to let people know when Iím struggling, and I donít want to be constantly thinking ďthey wonít understandĒ or ďmental illness just makes me stupid, people shouldnít have to care about me.Ē Iím a burden, Iím a burden without people even announcing that Iím a burden. Iíve decided Iím a burden before Iíve even reached out. Even when Iím spending time with people and not even drawing the slightest of attention to my mental illness, Iím just a burden. Me just being in the room makes things bad for others. Nobody wants me around, nobody wants to acknowledge me, theyíd just rather I wasnít there.

Depression makes me a burden. I think, 99% of the time that depression makes me a burden for others, but in all honesty depression just makes me a burden to myself. The thing that convinces me that Iím a burden to others is the stigma of mental illness. The thing that makes my depression a burden for myself and to myself is the negative thoughts, the self-hate and the bubble of dystopia Iíve created for myself. Depression is a burden for me. The things Iíve missed out on, the clouded outlook Ė the horrible perception of the world, and others that depression forces into my life is just a downright burden, for me.

The burden imposed through the stigma of mental illness just adds to the pain of depression, depression is difficult enough to deal with, I donít need others to convince me that depression sucks.

This post was initially published on my blog (Dearest Someone,)

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