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You've got the FEAR!
Posted by GoneGirl
4th Mar 2016

Mind over matter!?
Don't be scared... You are not alone... This phase will pass!
I've found when in this deep state, filled with fear, wether I'm opting to be sensible and take my medication or not. That it IS possible to outwit the inner demons plaguing your mind. A really good chat last night for almost 2 hours has really helped. My foster sister listened and helped me put things in perspective and make sense of my current situation. I am not usually one keen to talk! Many will say seeking answers and validation isn't neccessary. I believe for those of us with a sensitive nature and that are battling these negative demons daily. It's more so important to have clarity in order to compartmentalise and find a way to look/move forward.
I refuse to allow my BPD to hold me down in a rut but these past few weeks got the better of me and sometimes you just have to ride out the storm till it passes. Feeling stabilised on medication is all well and good. At times when I've been strict with on going treatment for a number of years. I've found myself almost becoming immune to the impact certain medication is supposed to be having on me. I know now I need to get back on them and get my dosage adjusted correctly.
Even after 20 years of battling MH issues, I still sometimes convince myself I'm fixed, that I've somehow managed to prove medical science wrong and I don't need help anymore. Which is of course complete nonsense.
It's great when feeling on top of it all, right now it's imperative to not give in! It's time to back fill that well, so that we can climb out the top and make attempts to embrace a positive future.
The FUTURE really is bright. I'm sure of it :/
I find reading inspirational, positive & encouraging real life stories helps. Music more so, but nothing sad. That's a no no!
Two days ago I felt worthless, scared and alone. I could allow it quite easily to manifest. I'm determined not to let it. I value my life and my loved ones. So not only will I strive to get right for them, I will also give myself a break and brain train myself into loving who I am again and securing the knowledge of my worth and capabilities.
Unfortunately it is impossible to avoid all the shallow minded,judgemental, self centred, vile, abusive, arrogant, plebs of the world. The overwhelming increased population of them walking this planet blows my mind. I've gone to great lengths to avoid them, yet this has meant I've cut myself off from society altogether. Whoops! They don't care, it's not their fault. They lack many of the fine qualities and attributes I've found many with MH issues possess. We are special, unique individuals. Painful as times can get, we will overcome more adversity and challenges than many through life.
We CAN do it!
I have had far to many 'can't be arsed to face life' days than I care to admit. So I'm putting on some music soon to spur me into active mode, the mornings are getting brighter and the air is fresh. I WILL have a positive enjoyable summer and I WILL feel good about myself and break many bad habits I've allowed myself to become accustomed to (like never leaving the house) :/
Several times during typing this out my demons have told me I am worthless, not worth appreciating and I would just be better off dead. Fancy that!
Excuse my waffle, I seem to be on one this morning. Only had one coffee wow! I amaze myself :D
Keep The Faith
You are never alone
x

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