Sharing my discomfort
Posted by AliceRitaK
3rd Mar 2016

I had a meltdown in work today. Tearful shaking bleurgh - horrid really.

All resolved in the end of course but I'm sitting at home anxious as hell and super embarrassed too. I can hear my childhood mother's voice telling me I am stupid and people are laughing at me. They might well be. Trying to work out ways to dissipate the nauseous feeling in my stomach. The exaggerated fluttering.

I broke a (some) rib(s) 2 weeks ago when I fell in the street and last Friday I couldn't catch my breath. Turns out I have a bruised pleural lining on the lung. I'm used to walking and zipping about. But my HP wants me to take it slowly. I cannot do yoga or go to the gym or walk more than short distances or do those physical things that help to dissipate my anxiety. I'm finding it frustrating of course and I am cross, so cross with my HP, I'm not accepting of what he/she has in store for me.

Enough now! I shout. I've had enough, so bring me something nice! And he/she probably does. I think I read somewhere this week "Why are the bad things in our lives to memorable yet the good ones aren't?" I don't know if that's fully true, it's just that when the bad things hit, they hit with more force and threaten us as beings. Happiness is not threatening and doesn't evoke the fright of flight reflex. Happiness is joyous so there is no desire to escape it or run from it.

Back in the work scene, I think, luckily our HR Manager is a kind man and understands as he has also grappled with this stuff and his sister used to be a psychiatric nurse. So I will go to work tomorrow and carry on. I will show up and allow my HP to do the rest. God how that riles me. Part of my discomfort is I have to face the people who saw me melt down - it's a fully open plan office with about 50 people in there. And the HR office is made of glass. I know. Who chose that?. The voice inside my head is saying it's not professional, you're not professional. So!!! My frigging illness isn't professional and it interferes with my potential. Truth is I don't like that either. In fact just for today I hate it. I want to run, to not turn up, to hide. I feel caught and cannot think my way out of this one. Until again - I have to let go. I've been in this place many times before. I have to trust in a life force bigger than me, that's all. If I accept things are just as they are meant to be I know that it makes life easier for me. So why do I struggle so against it? I don't know. Baffling, cunning, powerful illness. Each day I learn my 24 hour recipe for living with what I have. Each day I know it works, just some days, some days I just wish it wasn't so. Today is one of them. That's all.

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