What a Difference a Day Makes
Posted by AliceRitaK
28th Feb 2016

So, if I'm going to write a blog I might as well do it, right?!

I've not been able to put string any dialogue together for a few months now, it's been like wading through treacle. Those sort of weeks where depression takes hold. Winter, cold, dark days, you know.

I walked my dog (another lifeline) along the river path today and for a moment I felt like I did when I had probably my 3rd and worst crisis point, episode, whatever you wish to call it, back in 2007. I think I was just reminiscing/remembering. I've been doing a lot of that lately. And I felt like I did back then. Just for a moment. I saw the river flowing, birds on it, people walking on the towpath yet everything slowed down, as if I weren't part of it. And I remembered feeling or not feeling that.

Yesterday I watched Ruby Wax being interviewed about her recent experiences around mental health and I could not remember how I felt in relation to her experiences. Was it the same for me? That if you are too ill you feel nothing? I don't know. I decided not to compare my journey to her journey. I struggle with accepting that my experience is valid. I tell myself just to get on with it and that I'm bad, a fraud, attention seeking. Messages that show me I am as critical and judgemental of my illness as outsiders are. I have not accepted it myself. I remember not being able to leave my bed, terrified and shaking, thinking I was being followed and watched. I remember being tired, very tired and just wanting to sleep.

I also realise that I need someone else to define who I am, what I have because I draw a blank when I think of it. I'm trying to find the answer to my illness but I don't think there is one. I ask myself is this still my denial? And then at a certain stage my brain gets too tired and I give up and just am. Too much thinking, talking, discussing, fixing, working out. It sounds exhausting. BUT I feel I got a true moment of insight yesterday. That's a good thing.

I've always liked Ruby's comedy, her quick wit, thought she was fabulously quirky and naughty when she was at the height of her fame as I was growing up. She excited me because in a small way I have that quality, that desire to be slightly different and to challenge. I too like to make people laugh and it's my "role" maybe, it masks a well of uncertainty and lack of confidence. But I enjoy it. Sometimes. Although I also sometimes use it inappropriately and in the wrong situations and wonder why my career doesn't progress because I've pissed off someone important.

I've looked at reality lately, my reality and have made a decision based on what I saw. I have decided to sell up. I am moving away from the area in which I grew up and love, my fabulous London town, because living is simply too expensive. I don't really want to go but post divorce I moved to a lovely flat in a lovely area. However, I miss family life and I am lonely. And the bills keep coming. Bills I struggle to pay. The stress is bad for me and I cannot think straight, it triggers episodes of my illness.

So I am being kind to myself and moving to a community that is welcoming me. I am moving somewhere quite different, to a village in Greater Manchester to be near my daughter. There are lots of people who are excited that I am coming and it means I 'm getting approval, getting my psychological strokes. I'm excited too. I am not forcing it. Just handing it over and hoping it will be a smooth transition and if not then maybe it's not the right decision for me and I always have the right to change my mind.

Yes, what a difference from yesterday.

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