The creeping black wave
Posted by Sunflowers&Raindrops
18th Feb 2016

The creeping black wave which has followed me since my teens, seems to have abated somewhat over the last day. I have spent the last week in bed, only waking to eat, take my meds and go to the loo.

My partner is apoplectic with frustration. He has no idea what to do with me and has even spoken to his friends about me; (which pisssed me off a great deal - not the fact that he is sharing HIS emotions with them but that he is discussing MY very personal health issues with people whom I barely know. I mean, I don't even share my health problems with anyone but my doctor (or range of doctors since I am being passed from pillar to post). I am currently on a combination of SSRI's (Sertraline - like the rest of the UK (it's either that ot Citalopram!) and a very large dose of Vitamin D supplements as when I went and asked for a test, I was told that my levels of Vit D were really low. Not surprisingly, I hadn't been out at all that summer to catch any rays and my diet certainly isn't what it should be.

I have tried talking therapy, through University, to no avail. Their services are meant to be short-term only anyway, not for long term use and after my most recent mental breakdown (which involved the police) I have been referred to hospital for further treatment. I have not heard back from them since the incident though so I don't know what's going on there.

Obviously my working situation is in situ - I daren't apply for a job in case I f*ck it up royally like I did my last two. I have had to take leave from my postgrad course at uni until next January as I was unable to fulfil my commitments to them, but isn't that just the way it goes?

The root of my problems started with splitting up from a 9 year relationship and then getting into a hell of a lot of debt. Now my debt problems are being managed by CAP (Christians Against Poverty) who are absolutely fantastic. I know I am in good hands with them. Now I have never been a Christian or religious in any way but their philosophy is starting to sway me a bit. It's going to be hard to try and think of Jesus Christ as an actual person since he is long dead but I do have a God that I believe in, who is with me (mostly) every day. I suppose my religious beliefs pertain to Paganism more than anything else because God is in nature which is all around me. I do wish she would make it a bit warmer in this country at the moment though.

More to follow.

A xxx

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