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Posted by cathainsley1829@gmail.com
4th Feb 2016

After 30 years of clinical depression and endless treatment you would think i would have it sussed. Certainly i can recognise dangerous slides in mood, certainly i know most of the cognitive therapy techniques, and what most therapists are going to explore and identify. Yet still I am here. Still on the up and down ride of depression, looking for more help.
This week i found a post on facebook, saying that it was 6 years ago to the day that a beloved friend of theirs had suddenly died, and how they were missed. No mention of me, even though that 'friend' was my 45 year old husband. I knew of the anniversary, of course, in the back of my mind but try not to recall the exact day, which was too horrendous, i prefer to commemorate him on his birthday. It seems more positive.
So after a generally difficult month, cue another sleepless night for me and a slide. not unexpected i suppose.
I have a love / hate relationship with facebook. After the funeral people were great and very supportive for a few months. After a while, i realised their lives were going on, without me. i never posted on facebook because i wasnt going anywhere or doing anything. i became like a ghost but noticed friends who had always included us in their family parties, BBQ's, weddings and christenings, were still having these events, without me knowing about it. Suddenly as a singleton it seemed I wasnt worth even inviting anymore. No one called or popped in anymore and without a car I found it too much effort to get to them . It became my belief that they hadn't been my friends, just his. I must have just been a tolerated 'add-on' .
The last straw came later when four friends we had actually introduced to each other, met up on holiday 10 miles from me, and i didnt know a thing about it till it until photos appeared on facebook. No invite to come over and see them during the week, no effort to have an afternoon calling in to catch up with me. Happy happy holidays, to which i would never be welcome again.
I stormed through facebook and deleted everyone who had not been in contact with me in any way that year. Obviously, it was the old roundabout, I had not contacted them either, but as a depressed social phobic with anxiety i have severe problems contacting everyone, even my family, out of the blue. I wait till they contact me, its 'evidence' that they want to talk to me, and I'm not ' imposing' myself on people who aren't interested in me. It's I am isolated, a hermit. I will never be well without making an effort so swallowed my pride and reinvited everyone back, apologising that I hadn't been in contact for ages
And everyone was 'hi, where have you been? great to hear from you! blah blah blah. Nothing too terrible, even only good.
So I now keep in contact, 'like' their posts and their photos, feel involved, a little. But its obvious I am on the periphery and will never again be important in their social circles. Am i such a boring , horrible person? When we used to have fun was it only because my husband was there? I feel worthless.
The truth is I have got to make a new life, new friends but how can I without support, without getting out and looking for them? And then I think , why is it me who always seems to have to make the effort in relationships? Because I am worthless.
i don't think i can cope with anymore, percieved or actual, rejection. I'm so tired of being me.
And slide ............

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