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Clash of Anxiety and Emotion
Posted by walkingwithanxiety
23rd Jan 2016

In the past, people have said to me, if you wish for something long enough, it will happen. I think the same can be said in reverse, if you worry about something for long enough, law of averages says it will happen.

I have been suffering with anxiety and OCD for nearly 35 years since my father died when I was 7 years old. I can't remember a lot about that time, except to say that the therapists think it is where my problems started.

Since my father died, I have had varying degrees of anxiety from extreme to almost non-existent. When it is at its worst, my OCD rears its head like an unpleasant double act or tag team, taking turns to cause maximum devastation. Because my mum had to look after me from a young age, I had a real sense of foreboding. I was worried that I would lose my mother as well, then I would be young and alone.

This together with my own anxiety over illness and sickness meant that if my mum was ill for any reason, I would worry to an excessive amount. Thankfully, she has spent the last 35 years in good health and has always been fit and very active.

This changed last week however, when my mum was diagnosed with cancer of the womb. She has had pain for a while, and despite my brother and I telling her to see the GP, she resisted initially. The news was a shock even though at age 79, it was a very possible scenario. She now has scans, reviews and treatment including an operation to come, but she is upbeat about it and is eager to 'get it out' as she puts it.

Even though I am now 42 and have a family of my own, I still felt just as I did as a young boy when I heard the news. The feelings of impending loss and sadness have washed over me in waves over the past week and even though I am pragmatic about the situation, I like most children I guess, think it is too soon to face the possibility of losing a parent.

This is the worst case scenario of course and the outcome is by no means certain, but my old friend anxiety who has walked beside me almost all my life, still has the power to strike me down.

I wonder if i will grieve for my old friend when I eventually rid myself of anxiety?

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