He is We
Posted by cyclone
14th Jan 2016

How self indulgent of me, writing to you like this. Yet here we are. I thought I was happy-ish more recently but then I discovered what it is to be happy. I thought because I had learned to laugh that I had overcome my emotional rollercoaster; found the breaks at least, but I discovered I was wrong. I had learned to laugh, learned to smile at the right times, developed the 'pretend I am interested' nod when people interrupted me with tales of their purposless shinanigans. I thought that because I had formed a small online network that I had been maintaining friendships. I thought I was beating the anxiety volcano, the depression lava, the anger firework, the obsessive poltergeist and the impulsive goblin all of whom possessed me. Then I met someone who made me realise smiling is not happiness, it is a mask. This person makes it ok to worry, to take a breath and deal with the unknown.

I have ADHD. It sounds like aneasy ride, does it not? WEll, we feel big; be it the depression which is like wearing a concrete suit and expecting to stick to the same pace as everyone else, the anger which gets you fired for speaking your mind, the anxiety at not understanding the slowed, dull pace of others and their delayed processing time, thinking 10 thoughts in parallell to everyone elses one thought, not understanding the basics because I have to understand intricate details of everything. Compulsiveness and impulsivities which make no sense to the outside world because that hint of mania, though exciting, cripples all logic further down the line. Being multiple people a day because of mood swings, not being able to plan anything because I have no idea how or who I will be on a given day. Then there was He.

I thought happiness was like trying to catch a fire, it is beautiful and I want to touch it, to examine and understand it but what if I were disappointed? What if I get burned? The what if monster seems to follow me everywhere. Suddenly, happiness is not like being naked in public; an act to avoid at all costs. It is letting go of the paintbrush with which I have so often painted on a smile mask, showering off the paint and allowing ones self to be exposed to another. He sees the burns of exposures past. I see his too. We heal together.

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