Bi- Polar and Nicky
Posted by
22nd May 2011

I have to cope, but are finding it very hard at times. I work full-time in a place I don't want too. I have to pay the bills like everyone does and jobs are hard to find these days. I don't want to claim social again because It's not who I am and it makes my Bi-Polar worse by 10000 times and I can't cope with staying in bed all day and trying to find the money to live on. Apart from that it made me LAZY.

I lost a relative this year and I felt I could have done more, but didn't. Half of my family don't speak to me and I am so stressed out now I want to scream all day. I want to close my eyes forever and never wake up sometimes. I don't take my medication for diabetes type 2 as I am trying to end my life. Stupid I know. No one knows how sad I am inside. Yet I have to be happy all of the time at work. I am told I haven't got a problem with your work I have it with your behaviour issues. I feel so tired after work I just want to sleep, but I have to cook dinner and do the washing as my partner works all day and can't cook to save his life. I do 10hrs a day over and I hate it. Long hours crap money and leaving my medication and health is making me feel very sick in deed. I am being as honest as I can when I say I need some space. I need to be away for a good few months on my own if need be because my mind needs a break. I am scared I will be on a ward soon if I don't get away. Scared of falling back into self harming and drinking heavily. A spiral I don't want to repeat. Either that or listen to my own advice, "Chin up, you are better than this and yes you will be getting a new job and very soon" Easier written than done. I do need help. I am an Artist and I display in a local Mental Health Centre. I have murals all over my flat and these help me think that I am a beautiful butterfly on the inside and this body is a shell. But my head and heart are not agreeing makes for war in my head. I don't know what to do. I have stigma at work. I am being bullied. I do know what I can do, No one will listen.

Trixie x

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