Aparently I'm not well - all I want for Xmas is stability
Posted by Ybird
16th Dec 2015

I've been struggling with self destruct since last October, everyone around me seems to think I'm psychotic, (needy and insecure comes a lot from my partner) or not well.
I never used to be like this, I actually quite liked the person I was but since just before my 30th last year my opinion of myself (well mainly how I believe others feel or regard me has taken control of my life) it started with tantrums, lashing out at my other half (he's a bit of an emotional retard so that fuels my insecurities, no compassion or affection from him whatsoever just tough love) the it escalated to spending, racked up a stupid amount of debt, mainly from taking drugs and then my anxietity made its appearance.
I lived a nocturnal life, Aug to Feb this year (flitting from party to party no sleep, not wanting to go home, making shit jokes trying to be in with the crowd just so I felt I was welcome and people wanted me to be around)
My personal insecurities were not being resolved at home and every time I needed someone to show me they cared or at least we're attracted to me it was Tough love and the complete opposite.
To turn into a short story, my insecurities were of my other half leaving me for another woman, (pathetic I know to be in the complete mercy of a man) but I would to drugs to blog out the arguments and run from his insults. In March I returned home from a Bender and looked dog rough as you can imagine, that's when it happened. He ran me down and said look at the state of you, could I blame him if he strayed. Id be nothing without my looks. So in a bizarre approach to win the argument I went upstairs and shaved my head, slashed my arms and legs with a wine glass and came back down and said look at me now!!
Right now I am sounding like a psycho in sure you will agree. But ever since I've lost my hair I've deteriorated into a nothing, I'm numb, I don't recognise myself, I look at old photos like its someone else that I aspire to be. I seem to be lost in myself. Some days I function, function really well I used to teach Pilates and was study a degree in osteopathy I've lost everything and I'm hoping from joining this site. I can find someone who can somehow (fingers crossed) that I can bond with and discuss these feelings I have so I don't feel so alienated and alone.
Probably won't even get any comments back but if you've read my rant. Please understand I've come along way to search the Internet for help instead of lashing out at myself and going on self destruct. If nothing else I'm making personal progress please don't judge me I just need someone to talk too and tell me that my kids won't grow up without a mother. Cos some days I'm not I'll I'm on top form.

All I want for Xmas is mental stability.

Sending love to all memebers

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