Search

Blog

Borderline Personality Disorder
Posted by leahgroom123@hotmail.co.uk
13th Dec 2015

Borderline personality disorder.
Hello there, my name is Leah Groom and I’d like to share my story with you today.
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder which hit me like a ton of bricks, why is this happening? Why me? What did I ever do wrong? All sorts of questions were running through my head I was terrified and felt isolated from the rest of the world feeling like nobody would ever understand me, I shut my family out and let myself coil in self despair. Getting a diagnosis is hard but it’s also a huge relief although I felt all these extremely negative feelings I also felt like I finally had an answer.
For many years I felt as though something was wrong, before I had my diagnosis I was a wreck. I couldn’t cope with my emotions I had this unexplainable anger inside I couldn’t understand why I felt so paranoid and hated I never wanted to be alone I clung to a very unhealthy relationship if we ever broke up I’d cry and feel suicidal and beg for him to come back I refused to sleep alone and slept with my mother if he wasn’t there, I left my work, I left education, I self harmed, I was always anxious, If I tried to sleep in my own room by myself I’d hear voices which terrified me, I never felt so alone. Desperate and fragile I reached out for help and that’s when they diagnosed me. At first I couldn’t believe what I was hearing at first to me it felt as though I was being degraded “Not so bad personality disorder” is what I referred it to. Until I actually searched up the meaning, the word borderline is used because people with this illness border between “Psychosis and neurosis”. For me this explained a lot and made me feel that there really WAS something wrong and the term “Borderline” wasn’t used to belittle my illness. As messed up and alone as I felt, worrying that the world and others around me would judge me, petrified of the stigma I reached out...
And things slowly started to change....
I was listened to very seriously although the process had been a long one I was finally on the right track, I became a psychiatric outpatient and have and still get seen by the service regularly I went through various therapies which unfortunately didn’t do much for me-Or so I thought at the time which couldn’t be more wrong. I was referred to the Personality disorder specialist unit. I have had a group meeting with them and the service honestly has a lot to offer (This I am still waiting for). I was put on medication which really improved my mood and enabled me to cope, for me I really struggle with maintaining moods and switch from high to low quite often which is when they decided at the age of 20 to put me on Anti-psychotics to act as a mood stabiliser. Although this was scary and felt like another dig I have never been so well in my life, I have always been sceptical about medication as I didn’t want to become dependent but taking medication alongside other treatment has worked the best for me. Finally I started to feel better, with help from an occupational therapist the anxiety slowly started to get better, I started to feel less depressed, I began to feel that I didn’t NEED to be around others. I left my boyfriend and found that I am OK by myself, I sleep alone in my own room and no longer hear the voices as I am no longer paranoid to sleep alone, I now have a fantastic job that I Love very much.
Although living with this illness is hard and I still get anxious, terrified, paranoid, desperate and worry about the stigma I have found that there is NOTHING better than reaching out. If you feel like something is wrong and you can no longer go through this by yourself PLEASE reach out and get some help because only YOU can make this better, only you can help yourself and I feel that without desperately reaching out for help I would not be here today. For so long I was waiting for someone to save me and in the end by getting help I saved myself. There is light, there is hope and neither this illness nor any other illness defines who you are. I hope that people read this and feel comfort in knowing that reaching out really does help and I hope those struggling find the bravery to speak out. Because in reality past all the dark clouds you are not alone

Share Email a friend Be the first to comment on this blog