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Shouting but silent
Posted by
21st May 2011

I first became depressed when I was 17 due to being bullied by my 'best friends' in my final year of school. I wanted to leave school but my Mum wouldn't let me and urged me to continue and finish my A-Levels which I somehow managed to do, although I had rarely attended school and so my grades were not as good as they could have been. I joined University studying a social welfare course and also had a job as a waitress. I did very well with my university work, although this was more to do with the simplicity of the course and it was for this reason I changed to Law after completing the first year. With regards to my job I was given many more hours than I had wanted but couldn't say no when asked to do extra shifts. Although I was, and still am friends with most of the other staff, I found that many people in particular one of the managers, did not pull their weight and this caused me to hand in my notice after about 9 months; it was particularly unfortunate as the pub was only a 5 minute walk from my house but I was getting so upset and frustrated leaving seemed to me to be my only option.

I soon found another job in a small supermarket, however I only stayed there for 2/3 months. The staff were not bright and were very common basically - they enjoyed gossiping about eachothers lives, even if they didn't get on (something I find very strange - if I don't like someone I have no interest in their life and fail to see why they would have one in mine) and just weren't the kind of people I would socialise with. The manager of the shop also took an immediate disliking to me; I was transferred to another shop but on my first shift my handbag was robbed (probably set up by someone who worked there considering all the circumstances) and I was transferred back to the first shop. It was a horrible time and a horrendous place to work, I was like a walking zombie during those few months as I was being given 2 hours shifts for virtually every day. After I left I started a relationship with the deputy manager, the one person I actually liked and was friends with, Things went well at first but soon deteriorated, although I stayed with him for over a year due to guilt and fear of hurting him. I have a tendancy to cut all ties with people and places if I have had a bad experience (I don't speak to anyone from school and would never go back) but obviously I couldn't do so in this case and he still worked in the shop in which we met. He also had a complicated family system considering his friends parents to be his own - long story short I wasn't allowed in their house where he lived during the whole time we were together which put a real strain on things. He also moaned a lot about work and as he claimed to be suffering from depression in the past too whenever I had a problem he had to do one better, not what I needed when I was already feeling like crap, like I was overreacting and he was the one with real problems. He never really listened to me either which was very frustrating, for example he'd buy me things he wanted me to have rather than things I wanted. I finally ended it earlier this year and i'm glad I did, I had been concentrating on trying to help him better himself and deal with his problems I had bottled all mine up.

I really enjoyed studying Law at Uni, i've just come to the end of my second year, although to be honest I find most of my peers stupid and lazy and so no longer really speak to any of them. Perhaps i'm wrong in thinking law students should have some common sense - few prepare properly, if at all for tutorials, they do not keep on top of the timetable or assessment deadline dates, maybe I am just obsessively organised? I obtained decent enough marks in my first year and very good marks for assessments and exams during the first semester of my second year, however I did not attend my end of year exams as I did not feel able to leave the house - I became very anxious and upset. I e-mailed the mental health worker (S) at university and we had a meeting where she said she would help me with the relevant forms once I had obtained a doctors letter which I did within a few days. After 2-3 weeks I was still unable to get into contact with S, not through lack of trying, when I received an automated message that she would be away until 31 May (I could not wait that long to complete the forms). I cannot understand why she never responded to my calls or e-mails, I was obviously in a vulnerable position and needed help which she offered but failed to give. I sought advice from elsewhere within the university and have now given in my PMC form but will have to wait until the beginning of June to findd out whether I can take my exams in August - if I can't I don't know what i'm going to do, but I suppose there is no point in worrying about that just now.

During the summer between my first and second year of studying law I applied for a temporary 3 week position as a legal support assistant which I was successful with. I ended up being kept on full time all summer and two days a week upon returning to Uni. It was a very nice office, nice co-workers, good wages, brilliant work experience and a fairly easy workload although challenging enough to keep my attention. However, I began to find faults with everything and everyone and it all became too much such that after 6 months I handed in my notice. To be fair it was a good distance from my home taking about an hour to get to and from and I would probably not have applied if I had know it was to become a permanent position.

I was successful in gaining a temporary 4 week position on a uni telephone campaign in Feb of this year. I am confident I could have completed the 4 weeks however during this time I started to experience pains in my all areas of my body and my knees started to buckle such that I was falling over frequently. I could not make it to the office and I physically could not walk the distance and so had to pull out of the campaign. I was admitted to hospital and despite numerous tests the doctors concluded that there was nothing pysically wrong with me and suggested the pains were caused due to my depression.

I do have a somewhat strange fascination with jobs, I check the job vacancy websites regularly and apply for jobs, will be offered an interview but then feel sick about it and not attend or if I am offered a position will turn it down. Thankfully I have not been applying for so many jobs this year, although I have been tempted. I don't know why I have this almost obsession, but I can't help it.

I was prescribed 10 mg Ciprilex when I was 17 but I was only prescribed this for 6 months or so; I was also given propranalol to help with my anxiety and panic attacks. After a short while I returned to the doctor and was put back on the Ciprilex however I experienced virtually every side effect that was possible and could not function; I told the doctor this and he said to just stop taking them without giving an alternative. Again after a short while I returned to the doctor and was given 10 mg Fluoxitine but starting experiencing side effects again - I was feeling better within myself at this time and felt that propranalol would be enough. In September or so of last year I returned to the doctor and was put on 10mg Citalopram - it was only when I was admitted to hospital this year that I was told how unusually low the dose was, I had a look on the internet and found that the usual starting dose for people with depression in 20 mg. Since missing my exams in April my dose has been increased to 20mg. However I am feeling a lot worse, I have even started to self harm by scratching my arms and legs with a sharp pair of tweezers. I want to get better and I want a proper mental health assessment because I believe along with my mum based on stories we've been told and our own research that I have aspergers to an extent - I imaging knowing exaclty what is wrong with me would be a relief as I would be able to account for strange behaviour and feelings, however the doctor even 3 years on is failing to acknowledge how severe my depression is. I phoned asking for an urgent referral to the psychiatric services at the hospital which he ignored and has instead sent me an appointment with the surgery cousellor - I have previously seen a counsellor and I know that right now sitting talking to a stranger about my childhood and social relationships is not going to help in the slightest. I feel so let down by my GP, I have asked for help and he has failed to give it, for 3 years I feel as though I have been taken for a mug, a stupid little girl who's just being oversensitive and that is why he hasn't given me a proper dosage of medication. I'm at a loss of what to do, even when I find the courage to ask for help I can't get it.

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