Okay/not okay
Posted by lucyd
4th Dec 2015

I saw the psych this morning.

I almost didnít go. Things seem to have settled to the point where Iím not okay, but okay.

Iím okay because Iím not having suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of self-harm.

Iím working (lots), coping with the children and the house, coping with playdates, coping (just about) with Christmas.

Iím not okay because Iíve still had to cancel two evenings out this week because I couldnít face them, because I couldnít handle an important school meeting yesterday evening, because I spent all of Monday wandering from room to room, not knowing what to do with myself.

But okay/not okay, there seemed little point going, knowing that he wasnít going to do anything or change anything.

My instincts there were right. Iím to carry on with all the meds at the same doses, go to my psychology assessment next week, use the CPN if I need her.

But Iím glad I went. Because in one sentence, he summed up the okay/not okay.

ĎItís going to be a slow process.í

In some ways, that was hard to hear. I know itís going to be a slow process, but thereís still a bit of me that wishes there were some amazing medication not yet tried, something that he could give me that would make me totally okay.

But in other ways, I needed to hear him say that. Because he acknowledged something that everyone else seems to have ignored or forgotten: that while Iím doing better than I was, Iím still not *actually* better.

Heís not lifting my diagnosis. Heís not discharging me. Iím better, but Iím not well.

Because Iím doing so much better than I was, no one really realises that things are still a huge struggle. No one realises that itís a bit like working my way up a spiral Ė I may be on the up overall, but Iím a) not near the top yet and b) still slipping back a bit for every few steps I take towards the peak. And I donít like to talk to anyone about it because Iím Ďokayí compared to where I was a month ago. I feel like people are raising an eyebrow and thinking Ďreally?í if I say Iím not great. After how bad I was, I know that to everyone else, it looks as if Iíve completely recovered and therefore just attention-seeking if I say I havenít.

The other person who has acknowledged this lately is Ė surprisingly Ė my husband. He seems to have tuned into how Iím feeling in a way in which he never has before. Last night, he put his arms around me unprompted and said, ĎYouíre doing really well.í

That meant so much Ė not just that heís appreciating that Iím doing my best, but that heís noticed that Iím not in a great place. In the not so distant past, he didnít notice until I was in crisis.

The psych said he would see me again in three months. Okay, but not okay.

Today ended with a visit to the GP to ask if heíd prescribe me more than two weeksí worth of tablets to get me through the Christmas period without worrying about repeats. He agreed, and said he could tell that I was doing better than the last time I saw him. I could see the relief on his face; I could see that heís been worrying over the past year that I would end up as a suicide, and that he would end up being scrutinised for how heíd handled my treatment.

So I guess that means Iím stable. In some ways, I feel far from stable. My sleep is all over the place; I still have to fight a battle every day to get out of bed. Iíve had days this week where Iíve struggled with difficult feelings. Iíve had days where Iíve got back from the school run and cried.

But I know that while Iím not where I want to be, Iím not where I was.

I just hope that I can keep taking more steps forward than back.

Share Email a friend Comments (1)