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Holland not Venice
Posted by harveysmiles
24th Nov 2015

I am 55 years old and have had Borderline Personality disorder since I was about 12 years old.

When I was a teenager I imagined what my life was going to be. I would go to university, have a high powered career, a family, a home and lots of trips to far away places. I really wanted to see the world.

I started self-harming as a child and was anorexic at 19 years of age. By my 21st birthday, I had been in 3 psychiatric hospitals. I had once been sectioned when my weight dropped to 4 stone.

My friends all went off to various universities and began careers in law, medicine, government, music etc! I realized I had been left behind. I was never going to fulfill all those dreams.

I didn’t go to university. I have not worked since 1982 and I have only been out of London for a couple of weekends in all those years and have not traveled abroad. The world is something I only see through a TV screen.

A lot of my life has revolved around hospitals and people from the medical profession.

However, I am not going to ask for sympathy and I really don’t want you to think...’What a waste of life!’

Because, I really don’t see it that way. My life has been very different from the life I imagined or dreamed of, but wasted…Oh no, never! I have laughed and loved and I have cried and grieved.

I dreamed my life would be like exploring the wonders of Venice and I found myself in the flat tulip fields of Holland. It is like nothing I expected. But Holland has been very beautiful in its own way and I am grateful for the life that I have had and continue to have. While I continue to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face I will strive to make the most of the life that I have been given and not mourn the one that never was.

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