Full circle- The Brief Versiom
Posted by ...
12th Nov 2015

Around two years ago I found myself struck by an severe feelings of sadness and emptiness, a general void feeling. Concurrent to this happening a friend of mine was suffering from bulimia and also attempted suicide three times, all proving unsuccessful. During this, I felt my own mental health declining, I became wrapped up in my head and would go into school each day not knowing if my friend would be dead today and incidents such as her collapsing occurred.

The same year I lost someone close to me, it was not said friend but a close family friend who had felt like a grandfather figure to me. Due to the fact I have never met either of my grandads due to them passing away before my birth this hit me particularly hard and worsened how I was feeling at the time.

Furthermore, later in the year a member of my close family (living in the same home as me) was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Subsequent to this I found myself having to deal with episodes in which they would suffer panic attacks in relation to the event causing the PTSD.

Throughout all this happening I found myself losing touch with my own emotions in a way imposible for me to express. Things were unbearable for months but in a twist of fate I managed by myself to find happiness again over the course of the next year.

Recently however, I've been reverting back to my old mindset. Although my friendship group has now changed another friend (one not in anyway as close as the previous) is suffering with certain mental health issues including self harm. I've never particularly been great friends with her however it has changed the general dynamic of the whole friendship grouo and everyone has been feeling down. Then, at a party everything kicked off one night, despite avoiding the drama which did not include me to a relevant extent I was in the kitchen for a brief moment with the one girl and I saw her scars on her wrist as they were extremely visible to everyone. I felt physically sick. It was because in that single moment every emotion and experience I had faced the previous year came back to me in the split second and I couldn't breath. Since then I've been feeling down and this somehow feels as though it is worse than last time. When left alone with just my mind I've been able to hear the gagging noise of my friend who suffered bulimia when it was impossible for me to avoid the toilets and I can't escape how I'm beginning to feel.

I just want to be able to verbalise this to someone and I need their help.


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