Attachment versus Love
Posted by
11th Nov 2015

Hi all
My name is Tom Huber and I'm a 35 year old Suffolk UK based counsellor. I don't necessarily work under a specific theoretical model although I would say the majority of the work I do implements facets of CBT and person centred therapy.
I myself have been through therapy and continue to do so as part of my much needed self care. I wanted the blogs that I write here to be informal,non clinical and natural. I can only write them authentically as who I am and how I would usually communicate personally and professionally. At the core of what I do I find that my continued commitment to self knowledge and learning is imperative to me not helping others but doing so with the knowledge that I to am willing to walk a path of self analysis and exploration.
So today I wanted to talk briefly about something I am beginning to try to understand,this comes from both my own human experience as well as the work with my clients. I do not state it as fact and it will not be overly clinical or analytical. It is just a beginning,an insight into my own reflections and experiences. I am a human being who happens to be a counsellor so I will always endeavour to write occupying both parts which in reality are simply one and the same.
Attachment Versus Love:
In my private work with my clients (regarding relationships) as well as in my life,this distinction is gradually becoming clearer. It seems that attachment is the pursuit of finding ones identity and purpose in another. This in turn comes with expectations of that other as well as the person who is attached. These needs often go unmet,in recovery we have a term 'ones too many a thousand is never enough.' These needs are based on us almost wanting ownership of another in order to control,perhaps this comes as those that seek attachment suffer low self worth and identify confusion. Therefore their worth and purpose lay in another,they may become the fixer/caretaker. Love then perhaps is the opposite of this process. To posses a state of self approval and self knowledge. That we may share ourselves and our lives with another but we would not lose that where we to lose that other. There is a deep insecurity and fear in our need to attach. So I believe that a possible goal of counselling is to help clients with their need to control and attach. This may only be possible when we posses self reliance and trust. Many enter counselling with little trust and traumatic history so find attachment but little love. So perhaps it is the aim of the therapist to help the client reclaim their own identity and therefore exist in love and be open to be loved,in joy or want but not in need. 

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