Posted by
30th Oct 2015

It's just gone 2am and I can't sleep.
We move house tomorrow and I'm just wanting the ordeal over.
I went out for a meal with my son, home to help us. It's the first break I've had in months and for just over an hour I remembered I'm a person in my own right, not just a service user and a carer.
I haven't been sleeping properly for a while now and I think it's time I got myself to the doctor's for some sleeping tablets. I've developed joint pain in my hip and shoulder which wakes me every few hours when I move. Maybe I need some more powerful painkillers than paracetamol. Pills..pills... My GP says it's caused by statins and has taken me off them, so I'm hoping the pain will go eventually.
I find myself not just tired tonight, but tired of life. I'm sick of fighting all the time and having to be satisfied with the crumbs of support that's available. I'm not as severely affected as many others, but the struggle for survival in this lousy world is something we all have in common.
I used to have faith - divine, in myself and in the system - but after years of struggle with ignorance, social isolation, poverty, ridicule and stigma, I find myself disillusioned and weary.
I wonder if my daughter will survive in this cruel world, or my son for that matter. Whether they'll find a degree of happiness and success.
I used to get angry. I used to fight. I used to laugh and sing. Now I feel like ... disillusioned. Tired.
But, as it is for everyone else, life must go on and I must just plod slowly through tomorrow. The sun will rise and set. At least some things are predictable!
Hope is the only thing that keeps me going. And the little daily events that pass the time - a supportive post from someone, a few friendly words with the lady at our local corner shop ...
I know, I'll boogie my way through the removal! Get some back-beat going and get everyone dancing, even the removal guys. Like my daughter said once, "I'm a character, NOT a nutter!" I entering a manic phase, I wonder?
Maybe dancing isn't such a good idea after all. Besides, I don't think my hip could take the strain...

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