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I don't feel real??
Posted by pleasehelpme
24th Oct 2015

I've only just started to come out about my mental health. And I don't know how to feel about it. I almost feel, ashamed. Worthless, stupid.

I feel like if I speak to my friends and family about it, they wont understand. They will just think ah shes attention seeking, or '' you will get over it''. But no... does one ever get over mental health issues? Such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar? The answer is no.

It's something that lives with us day in day out, and its like a little monster inside our head that just wont leave.
This is what I'm having to deal with. By myself. All alone. As usual. Because I'm too scared and embarrassed to speak out to my friends and family.

My mood swings are absolutely awful. One minute I could be laughing and absolutely loving life... the next I will shouting and screaming at my friends/family for even asking me a simple question.. The next minute I could also be crying to myself. Silently, but hurting so so so bad inside and not knowing why. I literally can just change. Like a switch. On, Off... On, Off.

I have thoughts, and I still think this to this day.. I have thoughts that, nobody else on this planet is actually human. I feel like I'm the only REAL person, and that I'm either in a game, or everyone else is just a robot and I'm constantly being tested. I even feel like I am being literally controlled into writing this post. I just don't feel real. Am I real? Are other people real? Is life, real?

I also have another theory.. That emotional attachments are fake. Like what are those? I love my dad with all my heart and I am extremely attached to him and the thought of him even getting hurt literally breaks me into a million billion tiny pieces and I start crying every single time I even think about it. But, with other people, I just have no emotional attachment. I've never had a boyfriend, I don't miss my friends when I haven't seen them in ages. I don't care about their situations, I pretend like I do though because I don't want people to start thinking there is something wrong with me... even though there clearly is. I am not normal. I would LOVE for someone to love me. I know my parents love me... I think they do. Sometimes when I argue with my dad, the words we exchange are horrible to each other. And this gets me thinking does he only love me because he has to? Or is he pretending. My mum, I dont feel like she loves me at all. I never have. She never messages me. I will always try to make her proud, like tell her about my achievments ( quite alot of them) or tell her about my day, and she will literally reply with a 'x' or a thumbs up.. Its like i'm screaming for her to tell me she loves me. Same with my dad, I don't think hes ever said the words ''I love you'' to me, more than 3 times in my life. And if he has I cant remember. I would love for him to say it more. I would love to feel appreciated and wanted.

My friends love me. They have such an attachment to me and I have absolutely no idea why. They miss me. They care. Why am I not the same? Sometimes I want to be around them 24/7. Other times I will ignore their calls and their text messages. I feel so bad writing this blog already. All I have brought is negativity. Its stupid really. Of course I love my friends, and I would do anything for them. But I just haven't got an attachment I honestly think its fake.

Back to the boyfriend part.... WHY WONT ANYONE EVER LOVE ME lol.
Literally everyone I speak to, leaves me and walks away. What is wrong with me? Is it my mood swings, is it me?? I cant help it. I would love to be in love, but anyone I get close to, I drive away.

Now its got to the point where I have people wanting to talk to me, wanting to take me on dates, but this little stupid monster in my brain gives me that horrible thing called anxiety, and I will make up ANY excuse to cancel the ''date'' that I was never going to go on. I wonder why I don't ever have a boyfriend and really its because I never give anyone a chance because of this monster inside of me.

I really do think its time I spoke out about it, and the first step is writing this blog. Letting all this out is just coming natural to me and I'm actually not having to think about anything I'm saying its just flowing out of me as If I already knew what I was going to write when I randomly searched for this website.

Does anyone else ever feel like I do?

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