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22nd Oct 2015

I called at the chemist this afternoon for my meds.
My turn came and my name was called.
As I stood in front of the dispensing counter the chemist whispered so quietly I had to ask him to repeat what he'd said, "Your aripriprazole, Miss." He looked at me with great sympathy. "28 days supply." He whispered again.
I'm thinking, "For goodness' sake, man, why are you whispering?? I've got a mental illness not some deadly contagion. It's a disability not a death sentence. I'm not ashamed..."
Maybe I should have whispered it back!
Well, I'm totally whacked. We've got a moving date to a smaller flat next week so it's been chaos getting things boxed up and rid of what we don't want. I agreed to such short notice because my social landlord will pay the first week's rent if I vacate within two weeks. Besides, we (me and my daughter) want out of here. But, things are dropping into place and though I feel stressed I'm sleeping ok which is good. The meds help me a lot to manage.
I've asked for a referral for CBT to help me overcome my social phobia and also got my GP to refer me for a stress management course. I can't seem able to cope with stress and people. It wears me down and I end up in a relapse.
I'm waiting for an ATOS assessment for work capability, trying not to think about it. I can't see me being fit for work for at least a year or two after the last fiasco. Work-stress-insomnia-psychosis-section-resigned-debt. It's like a treadmill.
Life is not easy, and other people's expectations are something I never seem able to fulfil. Wasn't it David Cameron who said "work is good for mental health"? Not if it makes you ill, it isn't. But that's the system, definitely not geared to support people with mental illness back into employment. Ha, my CPN said when I hear from ATOS I'm to refer them to HER! By the heck, I pity the poor person who's got to deal with her, she's formidable when it comes to sticking up for her service users. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, pray or go into hiding...

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