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Diseased
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16th Oct 2015

I read the patient information leaflet in my antipsychotic medication box. "You have been prescribed this medication because you have a disease", none was specifed. There was a list of symptoms, none of which I have. I felt horrible, faulty, not good enough to exist, inadequate...
I've been diagnosed with half a dozen different disorders over the last 9 years. Currently, it's bipolar and emotionally unstable personality disorder (formerly known as borderline personality disorder). It depends which psychiatrist I see. They don't seem to stay long in our area.
I accept there's a problem, I just wish one of them would decide what it actually IS!
I've been treated with every antipsychotic, mood stabiliser and antidepressant available. I'm on this second generation antipsychotic which "doesn't have such serious side effects". I comply with it, as usual, though whether it stops me getting stressed, insomniac and hallucinating (psychotic) remains to be seen.
My current psychiatrist is convinced I hear voices.
"Do you hear voices?"
"No."
A snort of disbelief.
So, I go along with whatever she says, though I did question her diagnosis of bipolar as I haven't been depressed for over 5 years. She said, and my Community Psychiatric Nurse agreed, "You have poor insight into your condition."
It took me over an hour and a half to convince her that injections of an antipsychotic had caused loss of use in my left hand after 3 injections. "It's your diabetes," said the psychiatrist. My diabetic nurse, "It's not your diabetes, your feet are fine. You don't get one without the other. Never. 100% certain."
So, the psychiatrist changed the medication and prescribed tablets instead. And also diagnosed EUPD on top of bipolar. Apparently, I have "Irritability".
Anyway, that's a brief background.
I live with my autistic daughter and am currently on the waiting list for an ATOS work capability assessment. We've just been reallocated a 2 bed flat by our social landlord, so won't have to pay the bedroom tax for much longer. Or deal with horrible neighbours who have wanted us out for years. This year things have got a bit out of hand.
So, I'm rebuilding my life and trying to manage my disorder and work with the professionals involved as best I can.
I did have a look at the diagnostic manual but gave up, I couldn't understand a word of it. There did, however, seem to be lots of possibilities, maybe I could suggest a few to the psychiatrist. Maybe not...

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