Last chance? part 2
Posted by bunnyhugger
14th Oct 2015

I'm on to session 4 now and I've finally forced him to speak a little.

"What do you think will happen if you don't speak, and you just have space to think?"

I don't know what to say. Silence is uncomfortable, like mums birthday yesterday we all ate quietly and I felt a huge pressure to talk, to be social and happy but could not do it this time. I don't like to be alone with my thoughts. They are not nice thoughts, to be avoided, postponed and suppressed.

I can't think.

"Can you tell me a little more what you mean by 'I can't think' ?"

No, not really. Can't form sentences. There is no past, no future, I literally can't remember a time being outside of this room. The usual busy, panicked monologue has finally quietened. I don't like it.

All i manage to whisper is 'I suddenly feel frightened'
Nothing has happened. Nothing has been said. We are alone but the silence, space to think terrifies me. I feel hot, feel the sweat forming. I open and close my mouth but no sound, I can't breathe. My eyes dart around the room. He sits there blank as always. The pattern on the floor swims. I hear children in the school next door. I feel my nails digging into my skin to try and bring me back but another wave of terror. My throat is closing. I hear a photocopier outside. Then nothing over the sound of my own blood rushing in my ears. I need to breathe but I can only take more and more air in, I might burst.

That is it. I am going to die here in this office and he isn't even going to say anything.

Then it passes. Was is 20sec or 20min? Hot tears pour out and I find my voice. I don't know what is happening, I feel so out of control. I am angry now. Still don't know why but it is all consuming as my fear was just now. I want to scream, but I do not. I never do.

I want to go, I am exhausted, drained. 6min to go. We sit in silence and I nearly fall asleep I am so spent by the emotion. I try to enter back into the real world as I walk home. I do not know what happened in this session but something did. I am not used to feeling the powerful emotions with no memory or narrative attached. Pure fear. Pure anger.

Is this how the healing starts?

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