Posted by meganjade
13th Oct 2015

I've been dealing with depression since I was a young girl, and was able to cope having support from my GP, as I got older and started school I started to realise that something had bad had happened to me when I was young girl that shouldn't of happened, I was to scared to tell anyone so I kept it a secret from everyone. I want though school being builded by my step sister friends. But I just carried on as best as I could

.when I reached 20 I met two guys who were at the time like two big brothers, one night we went down the beach for a bbq jut the three of us, nothing uncommon about that it as something we did a lot, as the night went on they drank more and more. Next thing I knew one had be pinned to the floor while the other was trying to take my pants now and was taking photos... I kicked and kicked and finally got away. This night all the bad things that happened to me when I was younger came flashing back, the smells, the pain, everything but I bottled it up and carried on.

In 2011 I met the man of my dreams at the time I didn't know this as I wasn't a big fan of him but over time I fell deeply in love with him, life was great, he was amazing treated me like a princess. Ever girls dream. After being together a year we moved in together was so scary never lived away from home but I know I would be safe! We had so many great time. And the everything from my passed went to the back off my mind, some time I found it difficult but managed it.

Every day I fell in love with this man more and more, and the more I fell and trusted him the more I pushed him away...just waiting for him to hurt me. We had augments all the time it was horrible, I could see I was hurting him but couldn't stop myself. I hate myself for it,

Then four weeks ago my life got turned upside down and feel apart rapidly so rapidly I couldn't stop it ... I was walking down town texting wasn't watching were I was going and I walked straight into the to guys from the beach. I froze my body went numb, and all the flash backs hit me I stood there and the laughed and walked away, that night I didn't talk to my boyfriend just pushed him away, I had thoughts of killing myself but just went to bed. The next morning I got up went to work did my job came home and went to bed I did this for week pushing my boyfriend and my friends away! I just felt dirty I didn't want to tell people what was happening I didn't want to lose anyone especially the man I loved!

It got worse I hurt myself burning myself trying to making it go away and it didn't work.. I had enough I wanted to die, I planned how I was going to do it, what time, what day, what bus I had to get and how much!, the day before had come so I started to sort out my stuff so when I was gone the man I love didn't have to do boyfriend came home soaps that I was packing, I felt angry at him I don't know why and I told him it was over and I was moving out... He said it would be for the best if I did! I broke down, I begged him to forgive me I didn't mean it! I begged and begged but he left anyway! I was broken didn't know what to do. My best friend came and got me as my boyfriend had text her

She took me to my mums and I broke again, I felt dirty, empty, tainted, sad, angry,and heartbroken I didn't wanna go one anymore keeping my secret so I just shouted it out! I told mum and best friend what happens to me when I was younger. The rest of the day was a blur just remember feeling numb!

The next day was hard, I tried cutting my wrists but nothing I could find was shape enough I was so angry myself, I couldn't even get that right... As the day went on my heart broken a little bit more, I just wanted the man I loved to cuddle me! But he didn't want anything to do with me. He asked me to move out and told me he didn't want this anymore even after I told him everything tried to explain!
I am so crushed heartbroken and homeless, I didn't think I could do this with out him! But I know I have to I feel very alone at the moment I have an amazing family and re friends but I still feel alone but I've got to think chapter closes another one opens!! I know it's going to be hard but I have to do it for ME and know one else!! Just don't know how to do this?

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