Last chance?
Posted by bunnyhugger
1st Oct 2015

So starting therapy again, but it is different this time. It feels like my last chance. This is what I need, this is going to help, it is not magic but this is finally going to get me back on track.
After all this time? Really. I want it to work, I try and do all they ask, take the tablets, do the exercises, go to the groups. I am a mess I have been up all night crying.

So I get there and meet the man who is s'posed to sort my head out and save my life. But he just sits there. I'm crying and crying and no reaction. Just say something. Ask me something. Tell me what you want, what to do, what to say. I cry. He watches. Time is up. I move to the toilets and continue to cry. I hate myself so much, I disgust myself, I cut into my shoulder with the blade I keep in my purse, the blood seeps through my T shirt. Boyfriend will be disappointed, so I change to slash myself on the breasts instead where it is more hidden. He is used to being pushed away from my body by now.

I go home, continue to cry. I have to explain that it did not go well. I'm not giving up, not yet but I am exhausted and defeated.

Session 2. I start more stable this time. I will take control, explain why I found the CBT so useful, how I liked the structure and the homework. That it gave me something concrete to work on. I felt I was trying, could show I was trying. I brought some drawings that help explain what I feel. He looks at them in silence, as always. I feel he does not appreciate how raw I feel. They were very personal and he still says nothing. Still 40min left.
How do I even know he is listening? That he cares? I ask how this will help, I might as well talk to the wall. I've waited so long for this and now nothing, I need his input so we can do this together. Once again the tears flow and flow.

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