Writing is therapy and Blessings along the way.
Posted by blingkasa
21st Aug 2015

This morning I was awake at 7 ish.. not too churny but I still did my " thang" and hid under the blankets until at least noon. Mr.Kipling my cat was meowing outside the door, like, " what does it take for a person to be left alone under the blankets to be depressed Mr.Kipling!" So, yes, I had to let him in.

Cats are so rude. They really don't care. I wish I had the ideaology of a Cat. Life would be so much more simpler don't you know. I got up and took a prozac and a vitamin. Hopefully one of them will work. I am on 40mg of Prozac, it took me a long time and a rather anxious ridden few weeks before the Doctor persuaded me to try Prozac. The 20mg helped, it kind of made sense, no, it was not a huge difference but things started to gel and I was not so.. agitated and angsty. After a year or two, it has been upped to 40mg as the anxiety was there still.. typical anxiety drama queen.

I was going to buy flour today as I want to bake. I reckon I have the baking gene. My Grandma was highly adept in the kitchen, her pastry was superb. You know how pastry is superb? It is superb when it melts in your mouth and leaves a golden almost biscuit taste. That is superb and means it should get a star. A gold star.
I am not that great at pastry but, I am relatively great at cookies and also cinammon buns, rolls, bread, chinese steamed Pau's - Dear Boyfriend is chinese - urgh ! Just reminded myself of him. Moron.

Anyways, yes, my culinary skills are definitely okay, although when I was doing O level cookery in School and made Lemon Meringue Pie I forgot to put sugar in the Meringue.

The churning tummy stopped a bit in the afternoon. I was thus able to do a few " normal" things. However, I am always in " alert" mode, it is like an undercurrent of tension that ensures I don't get too " comfortable".

When I read about other people's depression I am still amazed that we are not seeing Depression as a physical illness! It is entirely physical and debilitating. It can be proven! Measure the hormonal activity in an anxious or depressed person and it will be totally different from someone who is not depressed or nervous.
When we get jittery for no reason these bugger hormones go crazy hallelujiah. We actually have to try and control the whooshing and the tension and the madness within ! Imagine. You are in a lift and it suddenly whooshes up or down for no reason. Now imagine you are just doing something like reading a book or having a shower or looking in the fridge and whoosh! out of nowhere you get these feelings. It scares you so much that you tense up. And naturally fear takes over and you are left, like a bystander, watching yourself being led on this up and down, awful ride of nerves and muscles and tummy surges and dizziness. Yet, being the brave bunny rabbit you are, nobody has a clue. We hide it soooooo well. Master of disguises .

The energy is takes to hide it and to cope with it. It is draining. It is lethargy and apathy and it wears you down. You have burnt up so much energy being scared that you feel hollow and worn and useless and limp. Like a wet leaf trodden on muddy ground. Poetic interlude there.

Dear Boyfriend has still not texted me. I don't think he realizes how amazing I am..

I was going to share a recipe for Cookies but I have forgotten it. I know there is butter, flour, sugar and eggs, and it has to be a dough like consistency to which you can then add chocolate chips, peanut butter, sprinkles.. anything you want really. Bake for ten minutes on medium high and then eat. Just eat the cookies ! Sugar is good for you.

I am reading a book entitled "Out of the Blue" - my Sister gave it to me in 2002 and I decided to look through it again last night. It was quite therapeutic and cosy. Little blessings in a book and sugary cookies can go a long way in cheering people up don't you know.

Dear Boyfriend, you have to understand that people need to be emotionally supported as well. You have to realize that relationships are the committed effort of two people. Not one person. Get your balls out of the blender and grow the fluff up. Moron.

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