When the pain no longer hurts
Posted by sonyajayne
19th Apr 2011

I dont really know why i am writing this, or if the words will come out right, this is a very short account of how things are. I dont think i am looking for answers anymore, i just dont know what to think and feel as a mum.
- i feel as though i am at the point of letting go.
My son is almost 27 and has been living with paranoid schizophrenia for over 7 years.
Spent at least 2 1/2 years in hospital due to suicidal feelings
Last year he tried to hang himself
He feels that his medication is killing him, making him deformed, causing him chest pains and that his head is going to blow off.
Time and time again we have requested that Drs try him on something else, but we are told this is the best
As a family this has brought us close, though we live miles appart, he talks to me, tells me his feelings and thoughts - he feels nothing but the need to end his life
I listen to him telling me the same things over and over and over again
He has teams checking on him, the back up is there for him, support groups etc. Just when we feel he is getting ontop of things - bang we rewind back to the start.
What is really getting to me now is the fact that when he now talks of ending his life - wrongly i am starting to understand why he wants too. That must make me such a bad person, but i dont want him to always be feeling so crap as he calls it
It feels as though he is slipping further and further away for help
Last time i had him sectioned i felt totally disloyal, i felt that i had broken the trust between us
He is on a downer now, set the Outreach team away this morning, i know in my heart of hearts i should contact the Crisis Team... But maybe i should hang on, maybe tomorrow he will be ok, maybe maybe maybe
I am banging my head off a wall
I dont have much else that i can say, all my thoughts are like spaghetti
I hope that it was ok for me to spill my thoughts like this

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