Search

Blog

Churning churning and have a sandwich instead Rachael
Posted by blingkasa
20th Aug 2015


My stomach woke up first this morning. Although it felt more like a washing machine on turbo spin. Churn, churn, churn, I just lay there, feeling it surge up and down. Then, the churning, tense, hunchy, achey churning spread to my shoulders. It felt like there was something sitting there, a giant eagle in a pink tutu ( I do think that depression is no reason not to have fashion sense) And this giant eagle had its claws in each shoulder and was cackling.

That kind of sums up how it felt this morning. Churny and heavy and tense. And, I had to get up and face the world who, I know, from their faces, think I am most probably feeling sorry for myself.

Let me say this : Depression is not something we choose to have, we do not think " Oh yes please, give me a shit load of tension and agitation the whole day, give me pints and pints of unworthy feelings, and wash it all down with some torment and throw in some weird aches, pains and jitters for good measure because I really really WANT that! No! We dont! And we dont feel sorry for ourselves. In fact, its so private and painful that we don't know what to do or say. We choose to hide most of the time as we don't want people to feel ' burdened" by us, nor can we handle too many questions. Because, it is taking all our energy just to physically look like we are "okay".

Do you know how much physical effort " Okay" takes? The normal look on our face whilst trying to ignore the tummy surges, the dizziness, the agitation within that is building up - Depression has loads of physical symptoms and it is not entirely easy to maneuver your body around them because your brain is not co-operating. It's tough. And it uses up a lot of energy.

We don't want to " embarrass" ourselves either. What then do we do? We " look" okay, we " seem" okay but in fact, we are very very good at disguising our feelings. Because nobody, unless you climb into our body and have a look around, nobody knows that Depression is a real illness. It's like Flu without the runny nose, it's like standing on a cliff everyday, it's like you are battling your own self and nobody can tell you how to get well.

You want to though. You soooooooo long to feel well. It's reachable. Isn't it?

The intensity of the emotions and the physical pain are not a nice combination.

Anyway, I lugged my washing machine stomach out of bed and spent the day doing nothing. Nothing at all. Except for pacing around, trying to calm my mind which was saying things like " Idiot, you are so stupid, you are an under achiever, you are laughable" - I really have it in for myself for some reason.

The thing is, are these thoughts true? Yes, they are real. But, real is not true. They are like a yo yo in my head and, they are actually my own thoughts.... If thoughts had a face I would slap 'em . Just a thought..


I have not done any baking of late. Although I did peruse through a cookery book looking to make something. It passes the time. It makes me feel " domesticated" and useful.

I have not been in touch with Dear Boyfriend. That alone takes energy. Not to press the little buttons on my mobile that are mocking me - " you know you want to Rach..." Yes, I do want to hear from him. Yes I do miss him , Yes I am not easy either. The thing is this, I can't keep allowing him to just treat me as he wants to, I have got to understand my own worth. If I don't understand my worth, then nobody will.

Which is why, these " thoughts" , I am sure everybody has them, they need to fuck off. I need and have to start not listening to the bad and focusing more on the good. There is always good.

Even depression has something to teach us. It does. It shows you how damn tough you are. I think everyone should have a treacle pudding with lots of custard. If we can be tough then that means something.

Dear Boyfriend, grow up yeah. Squirell balls.





Share Email a friend Be the first to comment on this blog