Here we go again depression.
Posted by blingkasa
18th Aug 2015

The writer William Styron once wrote that the term " depression" doesnt really sum up this dark, despairing feeling. He was right. Depression is over used, and. like OCD people confuse it for meaning one broad thing. It doesnt. Depression is not one thing. It is a complicated recipe of different things, each beyond description because you are trying so hard just to function.

Depression hurts. Physically and Mentally. It tires you out and you feel lethargic, alone, damp, dried out, careless, upset, worried, low, sad, lost, abandoned, misunderstood - all at once. The rush of feelings that overtake you and tell your body you are a useless piece of nothing.

And, you believe it. All the negative insinuations and its hard to talk and to tell people.

I have always said that Depression doesnt diminish our intelligence. We are still able to think but, it depletes our energy to do anything. All that cortisol and adrenaline rushing through us just wears everything down.

People think you want " sympathy" - no! Far from it ! We want peace of mind but we dont know where to find it so excuse us for a while as we slowly fall apart but we'll be back! We are made of strong stuff like meat and potatoe stew.

We nobly fight this battle with ourselves, we try to turn up for work or sit in a meeting but AARgh! Our mind wont shut up and we are feeling tense and scared and we dont want to draw attention to ourselves because there's nothing to show! How do you show people your broken brain? How do you explain to them that every second your tummy is whoosing up and down like a roller coaster on heroin? How do you tell people that you are not being " selfish" but these feelings are very very real to you and if they would just try and see??

Bedtime is safe. Its just safe. No demands, no expectations, no people to talk to or having to look " normal".

The hardest thing is that I own a little company and I now have to delegate work out from home, using my phone under the pretense that I have an inner ear infection. Yes. Thats what it has come to. Just lie for Gods sake ! Nobody gives a damn anyways! Nobody actually knows what it feels like and nobody is interested in your stupid life!

Years ago when I first felt like this, the one book that helped me was by Claire Weekes. I remember reading " jelly legs will get you there" - That is my mantra when I feel like shit in a blender.

Waiting for the anxiety to peak and subside, waiting for the blissful normal feelings to kick in.

A few months ago I broke my ankle. It was put in plaster and people were so very kind and nice. A broken ankle is nothing compared to this feeling.

Jelly legs will get us there. Just remind yourself of that. If not remind yourself that it will pass. it has to. It has nowhere else to go. This hairy ugly monster called Depression.

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