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Reaching Out
Posted by poxxie
15th Aug 2015

what is this desperate need to connect with people in a non-physical way? i see people all the time, at work, at home. i am forced to interact with them because of my job. but there's a wall up. there always has been. even as a child i was very self-aware and self-conscious, especially of the fact that i don't think and act quite the same way as other people do. i was always so unsure of myself and my own mind, preferring to get lost in the stories of books and the written word instead of dealing with my own unfolding stories. preferring to write letters and chat online than actually speaking to people.

there were times in grade school when real life seemed to be so much better than book life. i look back on them and i yearn for that experience again. nowadays, there is so much less of my life i yearn for with as much enthusiasm, not even my time with my ex. the only real memories i seem to revert back to are from online relationships. i have a problem with self-image. physical image. i am at work and i try to look at myself the way my patients and their families see me. if the nurse i had looked like me, what would i feel? this self-awareness is a trip. because as you look at yourself the way others see you, there is still your own preconditioned beliefs and tendencies inherent in the way you see things or people. i am not such a superficial person. when i look at myself in the mirror i put myself down over each flaw. when i try to put myself in someone else's shoes and look at myself from their perspective, i don't see all those flaws but how i interact with them, how i make them feel. i don't focus on the negative things that i see. and that is exactly how i look at people in general. what is it about looking at oneself that makes us so critical? why does our self-love come at a greater price?

this distorted image of self is what holds me back from any close physical contact with people. i just cannot bear for them to see.. really see me. in, out, every side and angle. i look at the mirror and i am not happy.

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