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When baking is an option.
Posted by blingkasa
14th Aug 2015


When I feel as unsettled as this I tend to want to do cosy things. I have been baking,

Jittery hands can bake I have discovered, and anxious agitated minds can read a recipe. Like, even if I have to read the damn recipe a few times I WILL read it .

Nothing to complicated. Its not the great British Bake off. In fact, to ensure it's easy I type in " easy recipes for cookies in ounces" The reason I type " in ounces" is because American recipes use Cups. I dont understand Cups. I understand ounces.

But, i digress. So, yes, baking helped, for a good half an hour. And then I was restless again.

The psychiatrist upped my dosage of prozac three weeks ago and hence I am now going through the side effects.

I feel like doing nothing. Everything outside of the house is scary. Meeting people is out of the question and as for Work? Dont be ridiculous. I can hardly talk to myself. Talking to people in a work environment is like huge. Like a monster.

Nobody knows in my family. My choice. I dont want them to worry, Or to not understand. It's so not understandable and I know this.

You dont want to accept the fact that someone you love has depression or anxiety, it's hard because nobody fully understands it, not even the people who have it. It's indefinable and painful, it's not imaginary, it's very real and it dulls your senses. Every thing seems big and there is this feeling of persecution, shame and guilt. Those are the main feelings I have. People will judge you. people think you are bad, people think you are unreliable, and as such, it cascades into a feeling of overwhelming fear and you dont want to face anyone for fear of being judged or persecuted or embarassed.

I guess I am a control freak. I dont actually know. But at this moment in time, nothing feels in control. My tummy is nervous, my shoulders feel tight, my brain needs focus which is why I am typing this somewhat haphazardly. I feel I am battling when perhaps there is nothing to fight.
Only these thoughts and emotions that wrangle me up and wind me tight like a ball of string. Maybe I should have a hot shower. Maybe I should read, zap zap zap zap goes the brain.

I miss you sanity. Please come home. All is forgiven and I know you are there.

They say what doesnt break you, makes you stronger. I just want to feel normal.

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