Where is better?
Posted by blingkasa
14th Aug 2015

The past few weeks have been fuddled and muddled. Everything is scary and overwhelming. I have no idea how to get through this.

I have jittered my way through each day. Its the prozac. My Psychiatrist upped my dosage and I have been coping with the side effects for almost three weeks. Been here before and it gets easier.

The hardest thing? Pretending to be " okay" , even though every sinew of my body aches with tension and feels stiff. Even though every little pain or twang has me upright in fear, even though I dont sleep unless I am so tired I cant keep my eyes open.

And the loneliness. Thats the devil in the detail. I want to be on my own to heal. But the loneliness? Thats completely different.

Maybe I shouldnt have broken up with my ex? Maybe its my fault? I know people think I am a loser. I am a loser. I am stupid and worthless.

I like my Psychiatrist. The other week when I was sitting opposite him trying to explain how worthless and stupid and dumb I am, he looked at me non plussed and said " You are a victim of cirumstance"

That made sense for a while.

Maybe my emotions are my Achilles heel? Maybe I try too hard to be liked? Maybe God hates me? Maybe I am the ugliest person in the world? Maybe I am destined to be poor and unworthy?

Funny how all the adjectives I use to describe myself are negative. Thats because I see nothing good about myself.

Its not self pity, its just self nothingness.

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