Waiting for the end
Posted by
3rd Aug 2015

It feels like the pain will never end. I don't know if my particular pain differs from yours, it involves feelings of hopelessness and despair; life seems pointless and meaningless; the idea of going on living seems impossible, but at the same time life seems too short to be wasting feeling this way. Yet there's no way to feel any different.

I was diagnosed with severe depression just over 2 years ago. Though this isn't the first episode I've ever had, it's by far the worse. I've tried every anti-depressant going. I start to feel better for a month or so, then it all comes crashing back down, the dose is increased or a new tablet is prescribed and off I go again on my "merry"-go-round.

I read a lot about depression and many of the stories involve people who had depression but are now feeling well. I don't think that will ever happen for me. I just can't seem to get over this. As well as the medications I've tried anything else suggested to me: meditation; mindfulness; CBT; a gratitude journal; a normal journal. After being sent to see a psychiatrist who made me feel worse about myself, I have finally been re-referred and am now waiting for entry to the Depression Service for a mixture of medication support and therapy. I don't hold out much hope. They want me to try Lithium.

I'm torn. Part of me wants to try any medication going, any and all, anything to make me feel well again, to feel that happiness that is such a distant memory I actually doubt it ever existed. The other part of me wants a baby and knows I can't do that on the meds. It sounds crazy doesn't? I'm severely depressed yet I think I could have a baby. The thing is, I don't think I could cope, but time is running out, I'm nearly 38 and I never wanted just one child. My family think I should do it, come off the meds, have a baby, see what happens. I don't think they realise what it feels like, how low I've sunk or how scared I am of life without anti-depressants. I know I feel terrible now, but I also remember how it was before I was medicated or when taking tablets that just didn't work for me.

Does everyone come out of depression or is it just the lucky few?

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