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A Troubled Mind
Posted by Leon Hubert
31st Jul 2015

Colin shared his blog, giving insight into living with bipolar.

Try to imagine things are going quite well for you, you are in a happy relationship, being appreciated at work and your social calendar has been full of exciting things to do for some time now. You feel at peace with yourself and are making a worthwhile contribution to society and your local community in general. 

Physically you have been feeling good, managing to exercise regularly and feeling fit. 

On the horizon you have special occasions to look forward to, a friends wedding, an important anniversary, a special birthday and your football team's presentation night.

Now try to imagine that for some strange reason your confidence has gone, it feels like it's been stolen, it feels like maybe you didn't have it in the first place, you become paranoid, are people noticing this lack of confidence are you acting differently, do you want to be in these social situations, probably should get drunk and blend in, no-one will notice.

You've never been a great sleeper but you still enjoy the comfort of your own bed and cuddling up to your partner every night, each night ends with a kiss, "I love you goodnight" things change you can no longer fall asleep beside your partner, your sleeping on a sofa, in a spare room, short sleeps maybe one hour at a time, this leads to frustration.

You are trying to remain positive because this is just a blip, nothing more and it will not get any worse, you are doing what is expected of you, you are following a wellness plan then crash bang wallop;

You feel empty, useless, unable to concentrate, scared to leave your home, ashamed of how you are acting and your appearance, you believe that everyone is just patronising you and you never want to leave bed again.

No, most of you don't get that or understand that so like above all is well then you wake up to a note from your partner that says she's left you and the boy you have been raising for the past 5 years is in fact your mate's son not your's, you look out the window only to see your car being towed away "it's stolen mate" the guy tells you. You can't afford another day off work, you can't afford another day of being late, you arrive at work and explain in full what's just happened. "Rules are rules, you're fired" walking about in the rain, your partner will not answer the phone, you want to get drunk but when you go to the ATM it tells you where to go. You're angry, your frustrated, you just want to scream as loud as you can for a long long time. You eventually get home to find your Mum on the doorstep, "it's your Dad son, he's passed away". An imaginary scenario, nothing like this has happened to me, well not yet anyway.

Just imagine all that happening to you day after day after day, you may just get an idea of what it's like in my head today.

It's broken, the mechanics try to fix it with pills, the doctors try to fix it with special potions of talking with peers and taking up new hobbies, not yet, no I'm not ready for that yet.

Imagine if you can the anger that all these things happening to you could cause, hold that thought, hold ithold it, anger, a build of rage, how do you release the anger, no magic valve to allow it to escape, you could self medicate through drugs or alcohol but that's likely to lead to trouble with such a rage so what can you do. It's at this point I have to admit that I have self harmed, I've used a few methods, I will not describe them all however just imagine you are so angry that you bite down on your own teeth, thinking any moment now they will break, you smoke to tray to calm down but every time you do you think about the release of anger through burning yourself. It hurts, it's almost pleasurable, it's instant relief but it leaves your body in a horrible mess. I see the scars every day, they are there as a reminder not to do it even though I feel it's my release valve method.

I'm not angry at anyone or anything other than myself for feeling so weak, for not being able to stand up to the fight, I'm angry because I'm bipolar, I'm so angry because this has happened to me again and again.

I'm angry because at my lowest point before on many occasions I have tried to end my own life, I'm angry because I don't want to get that bad, I'm lucky these days as I have so many people around me that care and can empathise with me, I'm angry because right now someone somewhere has taken their own life, 6,500 people take their own lives each year in the UK and the rate is increasing.

You see I know that I may not have hit the lowest point yet, Iv'e been here so many times, when I'm at my lowest that's when all my friends are needed and wanted, I need to get through the roughest part because on the way back I WILL go outside, I WILL meet with friends, I WILL play football and I WILL OVERCOME!

Being bipolar doesn't mean I'm mad, it just means I can act mad from time to time.

For the past couple of days I have this overwhelming feeling that I have just been dumped by a girlfriend I really love and someone close to me has died at the same time, my heart is empty and my head is cloudy.

All I can do is wait my friends, I will see this through because somehow I can use this experience to help others someday.

Don't you worry now, I'm taking the meds, "it's all about the meds" ............. "pill poppin'"

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