Dealing with life after university
Posted by AnnaFrances
16th Jul 2015

I write this as I am making my way home from another failed job interview. I officially graduated on Tuesday however I already feel lost and worthless in this new 'adult' world I'm being forced into. Suffering, like I do, you can expect people to be nervous when they try to gauge your feelings about being rejected. Will it send you into a feeling of dark despair, will I break down on the tube in a flood of tears or will I simply bottle it all up and get on with it.
Part of you feels that you should have a strong reaction. Suffering from low self-worth anything that is a rejection could send me into a deep dark hole however it's not cute like that. In reality, my mind just feels empty and drained. It was a group interview so just interacting with new people and telling them about yourself, all whilst being judged by potential employees, is honestly terrifying. It also takes a lot of energy to not reflect upon the interview, picking up on why I believe I failed. I don't feel strong enough to be able to effectively deal with it.
Going for jobs you are told that you have to 'big yourself up' however my illness wants to exacerbate my insecurities and control my self-worth, pushing it down. So, instead, I take a deep breath and remember that it's just another hurdle that I've had to cross. I managed to talk about myself in front of my peers and I survived without having a panic attack.
This whole trying to survive in the 'real' world is a journey, but it's one that I've accepted that I have to travel. Sometimes it may seem a fail and a step back but further thought shows it can be a positive - I've actually realised the direction I want my job search to go in as it's not where I belong. Not because I didn't get it but because it wouldn't fulfill me. I also just remind myself of the little things, like I got a break from my hyper dogs, I got to wear a nice dress for a change and I actually got to gaze at some eye candy on the tube.
All I'm saying is that yeah I feel crap, but there was other people competing for the job too, others who are struggling for jobs. I'm trying to match a positive with every moment that could potentially hold me back. Mine is that I've got a pizza waiting for me at home - remember it's the little things.
(On reflection I struggled opening the door into the interview room, instead walking into a glass door, so maybe that's why I didn't get it.)

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