how i've came to here :)
Posted by
1st Apr 2011

Ok so lets begin. I'm 32 and i've suffered with depression since i was very young. I didn't know what it was until I ended up in hospital this year. Then it all clicked, why i was so low all the time why as i got older i stayed in my room more, didnt want to go out. I was abused from I was very young until i was old enough to say Im going to tell. I kept this a secret for many years, and it created an anger in me.

As I got older I had rships, just went from one to the next, my heart was never in them. Then I realised I couldnt be with a man and I was gay. My mum was very supportive of this.

I can remember having the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, like a rollercoaster, but never feeling like i belonged.

To cut a long story short, i met my partner i'm with now and i love her more than life itself. She stuck by me through the whole terrible hospital ordeal. But I know its all been alot for her to deal with. Yesterday she nearly broke up with me because she said its all too much, that its getting her down, she cant handle me feeling down, insecure, feeling scared all the time. I convinced her to stick with me, to give me a chance to get better.

I never slept last night, and today all i've felt is that she doesnt want me. I dont feel i can let her see what im going through anymore incase i push her away. But i also know this will make getting better alot harder to achieve.

I was told to keep a journal, but I dont want to put pen to paper as i dont want to scare her off if she found it. So this seemed a good place to come.

If anyone has any suggestions, my ears and heart is open to anything. I want to stop feeling scared.

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