what is recovery?
Posted by Alis
2nd Jun 2015

The worse thing about being me is the isolation, the lack of opportunity to connect with others. Even if I force myself to enter into a room of other people, or make the effort to exchange a few words, part of me just needs to get away. It takes all my effort to steady myself, by which time I have nothing left to offer the environment outside my head. I feel I don't belong.

I start to feel that I am creating a life based on a facade of thoughts, emotions and actions. I'm not sure that they are mine, but I know that this way of being offers a more pleasant place for me and others to be. For me recovery seems to be about being hidden, living with my inner scream, the confusion of thoughts, the agony of fear. I feel that I am learning to protect myself and other people from the broken parts of myself.

Is this the bargain I had to set up with recovery? But I also know change is possible, and maybe it is possible to expand my perception and experience of recovery. Maybe I need to become more skilled in recognising, accepting and managing my vulnerability. Maybe recovery is a process, a journey, maybe that is where I am.

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