Hard times
Posted by lovelife1
30th May 2015

I got quite frustrated today because i think they are really struggling at the moment and unfortunately i get the brunt of it. I know they donít mean to or want to, they donít mean it, they love me but still, it hurts sometimes. When they say things like: why donít you help me (it might just be with a simple task) and inside your screaming Ė i help you all the time! When they say: leave me alone Ė and your analyzing everything youíve said and done thinking what was it that upset them, the worst is when they then later say something like: you left me Ė and your like but you told me to leave you alone! You realize they donít actually want to be left alone however much they say it but sometimes itís just easier because when you linger around them they snap at you and tell you to go away. Sometimes I wonder are they testing me? To push me, to see just how much I love them, to see if I really will still want to be around them even after they have been horrible to me. In their head I think they maybe think it will be better if you are not with them, you will be happier, freer or whatever. WRONG! I want to be with you even after a frustrating hard day (and they were positive points Ė i should focus more on those) I want to be with you even though its hard and even when it hurts inside to see your negative viewpoint of yourself. I want to be with you even though whats actually frustrating more than all the above (and really i think this is whatís bothering me) is how much i just want you to be happy and i really think i would do anything for that. I feel sometimes like crying out Ė why canít you just be happy? I know thatís not fair or realistic and it takes time and effort and come on Ė itís an illness but i love you and when your hurting Ė i hurt too.

Thereís something about being depressed that causes the depressed person to push away friends, family and even you. In fact they seem to push away anything that might actually make them happy. I think that they feel they donít deserve it Ė sometimes my spouse will say something like: I deserve to be depressed or its my own fault. Itís one of the many lies the depression feeds them and I donít buy it. itís like if you got an illness suddenly you wouldnít blame yourself for it so how is this any different?

Wow, I guess i felt like ranting today but writing it out helps me make sense of it all and has calmed me down too. I guess the main theme of this post is: Itís not your fault you have depression but its not mine either! But even when you might treat me like it is I STILL LOVE YOU.. I do, I do, I doÖ (and i donít blame you either)


Share Email a friend Be the first to comment on this blog