Posted by Sal4595
21st May 2015

Trying to keep control of ones life is pretty difficult.

I want to control my body, mind, actions and reactions to situations.
I want to control my relationship and all relationships I have.
I want to have control of my life.

Is that a reason why I harm?
For those split seconds, I have control over my body and mind. I can control exactly what I am thinking and what I am thinking about.
I think about my hatred for my body and focus on the punishment I am in-flicking upon myself.

The sad secret that no one wants to hear is that control is impossible.

The saddest part is that the reason for this is because life is spontaneous and unpredictable, something which we are told throughout our lives to love. Again aspects of our lives we are told to appreciate and love are the very things which hold us back.

I am scared of spontaneity. I am scared of the unpredictable. I am scared of being hurt.

When we have been hurt so many times it is reasonable that we only try to defend and shelter ourselves. The problems arise when we have become so sheltered that we lose who we were and who we aspired to be.
What is the balance between protecting oneself from harm and letting go of ones inhibitions.

This is the next challenge I face. Another problem to solve in my life.

All challenges are welcome, as always. I do sometimes wish that they were a bit easier though. I'm exhausted.

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