Coping With Depression (The Relationship Edition.)
Posted by JadeCrumble
20th May 2015

I am writing this during a moment of extreme depression. I hope this "as it happens" blog will help some of you cope with how you are feeling and hopefully find useful ways of dealing with how you feel.

It is going to sound incredibly boring but I have just broke up with my boyfriend...well he broke up with me. Because he feels like he can't trust me and I can't say that I blame him because yes, I did lie but I had a good reason. He didn't like me speaking to certain people and I was made to feel like I could never speak to or be close to those people ever again.
But there have been times when I have spoken to them because, naturally, we all want friends. The only reason I had lied to him is because I was scared of how he would react if he found out, because he did get very very angry in the past and did come across as quite...threatening.
In my eyes, I was lying to keep my friends, not to be deliberately dishonest. But that;s the problem with me you see, I do things thinking other people will see it the same way and they never do. They never seem to understand that I had good intentions.

We haven't seen each other since Monday when it happened and on Monday I was contemplating killing myself. I have had extreme and intense suicidal feelings for months now but this kind of threw them over the edge. I wanted to kill myself, to show him how much I love him. I wanted to punish and torture myself, to show him how much I love him. And I did I mean, I didn't eat that night I went to bed on an empty stomach and I exhausted myself. I was a mess.
But anyway, we haven't seen each other since Monday and he came over today to see me and I just broke down in tears. Today is the day we usually spend together and it just broke my heart that I wasn't spending with him. He was trying to act all fake and happy and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't play along with that, I mean who would? Why would you pretend to be happy when you're entire life was crumbling around you?
I just wanted to show him how much I loved him since my words obviously weren't working. So I got closer to him and eventually we kissed. It felt so natural and it felt so right.
It felt like all my feelings of depression, hating myself, wanting to give up had gone and it was just me and him back together again. I finally had him again.
But of course it couldn't all be perfect because nothing ever is when it comes to me. He told me that he couldn't trust me, he couldn't be that close to me again...and then he left.
He said he didn't know when we would see each other again and I could tell that he was falling apart because he was in tears as he walked away. And this next part is the reason I am writing this blog right now...he walked away.

Even though he was falling apart inside and he was holding back tears and he could see how much we loved each other and how much I was trying to prove...he walked away. And he didn't come back either. And the thing that hurts the most is...he didn't have to come back. He doesn't have to come back and make sure that me and him are okay. He can walk away no matter what state I'm in now. And that is what hurts the most.

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