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Dating, Depression and Sexuality
Posted by Baz1050
17th May 2015

Now, I can't be the only person who has struggled on the online dating scene. I split up with my ex partner just over a year ago and have to say I recovered well and really quickly. I threw myself into seeing my friends, partying and catching up on all the things I hadn't done for three and a half years. I found it odd for a while because I suddenly had all this time and didn't know what to do with it, but I soon filled it and started to enjoy myself again.

Six months down the line it hit me, I was cheated on, lied to and used for the best part of a year and I didn't like that. I never confronted her, never contacted her, just left her to it. The relationship was not great in the last year and to be quite honest I was glad when it was over and I learnt to smile and laugh again before falling into a pit of despair.

So, here I am having not long come back from a second date with a guy who proceeded to friend zone me after having walked his dog 6 miles with him. I feel a little sad at the rejection, however maybe it is time to be honest with myself...

You might of put two and two together by now and guessed that my sexuality is not straight forward. Well, you guessed correctly. I have flicked between dating Men and Women and spent a total of 4 years in a relationship with two females. My relationships with men however have not lasted much longer than a few weeks.

In my immediate society and community there is massive pressure to find a partner, move out, get married and have Children. I find myself aged 24 being in a tiny minority having not done any of those things.
I cannot get my head round myself, I appear not to have any feelings of attraction now for either sex and I have never had any inclination to have a sexual relationship. The idea of it terrifies me which again flings me into a tiny minority. As time ticks on I feel more and more stressed and under pressure about it. It has been suggested to me that my Anti Depressants could play a large part in this however because it has been going on for so many years I highly doubt it.

I repeatedly put myself through the trauma of signing up to online dating sites, going on failed dates and then repeating the cycle. Why do I do it? I do it so that I feel 'normal' but what even is 'normal?'. We are so confused as humans as to what normal is that I think we forget that we are all individuals with different preferences and stories to tell. I put myself under so much pressure to conform that I end up stressed and more depressed and the cycle goes round and round.

I wish someone could tell me what the answer is but if it were that easy none of us would be suffering from any mental or physical health problems would we? The only thing that can work these things out is me and that terrifies me....

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