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Depression is...
Posted by Baz1050
14th May 2015

Depression is probably the hardest thing I have ever experienced and had to try to describe. How can I compare it? It's like being in a room full of people but still feeling alone, its feeling like nobody cares and no one wants you around, its feeling like breathing is a huge daily task, its feeling like a failure. I could go on, but none of these descriptions will truly capture how it feels.

Emotions and feelings switch like the weather on the inside. Outside is a different story. You become so good at acting 'fine' that it's second nature and takes no effort to do so. Mostly. Sometimes when someone asks "How are you?" you want to turn around and tell them exactly how it is. But, saying "good thanks" always seems the easy option. People have said to me that if they don't know how I feel then they cannot help me. However our human instincts are to protect our loved ones, and sometimes that means pushing ourselves to the bottom of the pile. Is this right? Maybe, maybe not, but we still do it regardless of rights and wrongs.

Our minds race, torturing ourselves over every single little thing. You might know what triggers off your depression, you may not. Sometimes we know but don't want to admit whatever it is. Throw anxiety into the mix too and you have what feels like a total recipe for disaster.

Loneliness can seem a killer but then at the same time being alone feels like the best thing. I wonder if any of this is sounding familiar to anyone? More than likely I would guess. I am by no means a writer but if this piece is read by just one person and makes a difference I will be satisfied.

A series of unfortunate life events pushed me into this latest pit of loneliness, despair and anxiety, only now 6 months on from diagnosis am I just beginning to understand my journey a little better. Some weeks fly past in a feeling of euphoria, other weeks go past at a snails pace while I struggle to stay awake and function properly. One thing I have learnt is this is ok, it is normal and expected. Being prescribed some anti depressants and taking part in talking therapy probably won't cure anything straight away. If it's taken several years for this to build up it will not go away overnight.

People will give you 'helpful' suggestions. Some will help, some will not. For me, distractions always seem like a good idea, but watching Iron Man 3 for the 12th time is not distracting, it is boring!

You might confide in a friend, partner or family member, I wish I had. Instead I drank more and more and struggled on until I could take no more and booked an appointment with my GP. I have suffered bouts of depression in the past for up to a year at a time and never ever told anyone or visited a GP. This time though, I felt differently and realised that having tried to ignore it for 20+ years it clearly wasn't going to go away. I didn't want to fall back into the cycle of existing and self harming for days, weeks and months on end.

Days blurred by in a haze as I started on Anti Depressants and felt horrific, I physically couldn't move for days, I didn't sleep for a week and tried to go back to work in a zombified state. Not one to give in, I was still pushing my body for more, and eventually was forced to take several days off. Stick with it though, I promise you the side effects will wear off and it will be worth it.

I reached my lowest point ever several days after New Year 2015. I scoured the internet for help, I had made up my mind, I didn't want to and couldn't go on anymore. I spoke to the samaritans, but felt I could do no more. Off I went in my little car and went to the shop to buy all the things I thought I needed, I simply couldn't wait for any other methods. With the goods purchased I drove home, knowing I was going to be alone for several days, wrote a letter and deactivated all my social network accounts. Just as I was ready to finish everything my phone lit up and it was my friend asking me if I wanted to meet the next day. She doesn't know it, but she saved my life. If it wasn't for her I would most likely not be here. Something clicked in my brain and I began to feel guilty towards the few people I still had left who cared for me.

Don't get me wrong, I still get days where suicide seems the best and only way out but it's not. I am 24 years old, single and still living with my parents. I dropped out of college largely due to my mental health and capabilities but never told anyone that and have spent 6 years trying to 'catch up' with my peers. I regularly feel like a failure but you know what? We are ALL different, we all have different stories and experiences and I must of gained a Masters in the University of Life by now!!

If I could offer one piece of advice it would be to talk to someone about how you feel as early on as you can. This took me months and was probably the single bravest thing I ever did. Relief flooded over me and I was finally able to not worry if I had to take an hour nap on Saturdays or my room got a little messy. I was free to start recovery and not be ruled by the big black dog.

Sam x

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