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The musings of a bipolar housewife
Posted by MrsBee
14th May 2015

'How do you know you have a problem?' That is one of the most common questions I get asked, and yet one of the hardest to explain.

At one point a couple of years back I didn't, for example, think it was a problem that I cried at the Mazuma Mobile advert every time it came on the television. In short, the advert centred around an old, bashed about life-like phone that consequently gets popped into an envelope and sent off for recycling, in the promise of cash.. At the time, this advert would bring me to tears, and I'm not talking one or two, I mean bawling my eyes out. I couldn't help but feel that this poor phone was un-loved and was being abandoned in its hour of need. I couldn't understand how such an advert was allowed to be aired on television...pre-watershed! For my husband however, this was the last straw, and we decided we couldn't ignore the worsening signs anymore.

To go back to where it all started would be too difficult. I had the usual issues at school: fall-outs here and there, the odd crisis of confidence or of appearance. But there was one particular occasion in my early teens that I remember vividly. I had had a small (ish) row with my mum and I pottered back down to my room with my feathers feeling pretty ruffled but feeling that we could at least be civil once again. But within the space of about two minutes I was searing with rage and my skin was on fire. My whole body itched and I had water streaming from my eyes. But these were not tears of sadness, but of pure uncontrollable frustration. The problem was, I didn't know what I was frustrated about. I hurled myself up the stairs at what felt like Usain Bolt speed and began screaming and shouting so hard I felt like I might faint. I threw a chair across the room leaving a now famous dent in our family kitchen table, before screaming some more. I stamped off to my room again and started laughing. I walked straight up the stairs to see my mum and just kept laughing and saying I was sorry. I couldn't understand anything about what had just happened and could not remember a single detail about what had got me so riled up in the first place. And let me tell you...that's a scary place to be.

Losing someone you love, struggling with money, worrying about people you love, worrying about work and paying bills; all of these are scary things to think about and especially to deal with. What I find most scary about being bipolar is that I have absolutely everything going for me: a loving supportive family, pets, friends, a house...so many things I can't even count. But the scary thing is that for me, within the blink of an eye my day can turn from unexplainably happy to me having feelings of wanting to die. From laughing, to crying without warning or explanation.

I am writing this not for sympathy, but just so people have an insight. Plus, it helps me to get things out sometimes.

Thanks goodness for:
1)My cat, who needs his medications 3times a day so gets me out of bed every morning.
2) My dog, who needs walks and attention every day so gets me out that front door.
3) My husband, for being the one who allows me to be me in whichever form my head has selected for that day.
So that's me up out of bed, out the front door and loved unconditionally. Phew for these three!

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