Search

Blog

*Trigger Warning* Life of a lost soul
Posted by nukpana
29th Apr 2015



Born march 19 1979 in arural village, dad was a fridge engineer and amateur rally driver my mom was a house wife. I have very little memories of my father, during the early period of my childhood my father was seriously ill with hodgkins lymphoma disease a type of cancer. I was deaf due to severe glue ear and had severe asthma. Mom left me alone in wolverhampton city centre several tmes, i couldnt walk til the age of six. Every week i would end up in hospital due to asthma attacks i swear it was more like a hag kneeling upon my chest. My father passed away august 1982 from his cancer. After numerous hospitalisations, various drugs and operations through child hood.   Firat time i ran from home i was  four. I have an older brother it was a happish child, friends we couldnt afford much. As my hearing improved as i got older i could hear the snyed comments that mom would make. "If you wasnt born your dad would be alive", "i should have aborted you but kept you because your dad wanted you." and my nickname "fanny adams" and my grandparents "black bag and motorway job for our kid." the more i was told i was useless stupid, horrible child, id killed my father. I started to believe it id start to fantasie about where my father was or that hed died a hero or that he was on a desert island, fantasy turned into belief and i learned not to feel emotions. Age of five father started to visit me at night and i would talk to him at night in my room for hours. I got.used to him visiting and i ran away more frequently, due to mom sayin if i wasnt alive shed be better off, age six i first started to see the red eyed men, dreams turned sour. Dreams of aliens zombies, a hooded man chasing me. We met my moms boyfriend in 1989 at this time i joined a local gang and would fight upin the local park against the neighbouring gang, john would spend time taking us to theatres and cinemas hed settle me at night and touch me in certain places. From the first day i met john If i did anything wrong i was hit with the buckle of a belt, the leather strap, a book, hed unhook my bra. I always had the feeling i didnt belong and wanted to die. 1986 my brother and i took a holiday in wales with friends and i swore a ufo landed and my brother stated that my father had come back for me. 
In 1990 we moved from the village to a town. My moms boyfriend pushed my brother against the legs of a trampolene and hit him, i jpined a local gang and scraped it out with other gangs, weapons, fists i contimued to drink aged 11 and started taking drugs, first it was cannabis, hemp, ectasy, lsd and stayed with italian relatives in birmingham after running away. Over the years i have od on anti depressants, anti psychotics, anti histamines, anti convulsants, pain killers. Hospitalised many times for beimg drunk, asthma attacks, being bullied in school and kept quiet, the visions and voices continued, Progressed onto coke and heroien, i was stealing cars, fighting mule drugs between dealors, prostitute for a few of the boys. From 1990 progressed to taking money at everry opportunity to feed my habit, and drinking. Mom and i always clashed she blamed me for my fathers death, i turned to gambling alcohol drugs. Step dad raped me several times started tohate food id throw it away, make myself sick, ittastes off and old, waters sour and stagnant, rice looks and tastes like maggots. Men folloqing me where ever i went that no one else could see. Age 12 i started to try and strangle myself, tried hanging myself, overdosing on various pain killers,overdosing on antihistamines, my educational psychologist whod been there since my first school refered me to a psycologist who diagnosed chronic delayed grief. 
Age 14 i gave birth to a baby boy Jack who was born addicted to crack, he survived a week before his heart gave way and he lost his fight. Buried my grief deep over that over the following years i miscarried, or baby died in infancy. Age sixteen i met a man who beat me daily threatenedto shoot me, hit my head against door handles, made me shop lift for him, i ended up in intensive care after being beaten severly and hed strangled me. Came out of coma and eventually went home. Where hed phone me threatening to kill me and chop me into pieces. After years of pleading mom for help, and not getting the help i left home and moved into stus flat with him and his gf, many suicides later i was sent to a hostel. Pes team involvement and psychiatric outpaitients, cpn aswell. January 2000 major overdose 187 tablets antihistamines, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, pain killers. Led to a section at the local hospital, many years of drugs and psych care... 2004 i became pregnant with twins rhiannon and ari. Beaten up by a group of teens at my home, I came off antipsychotics, anti depressants and morphine Normal pregnancy althpugh little movement from babies and weak heart beats. Ari died just before delivery and rhiannon was a rapid delivery she died three times. Forsix months after psych social workers and meds. Refused to go back on meds and focused on rhi, false alegations sayimg id hurt rhi, stu had hurt rhi but no evidence ever found, and we left her alone with no food or clothes which was a lie, being unable to prove anything they closed the case. A year later ss tried again and funny calls, cops following me. I managed to keep ss clear and for several years and 2011 ss came back and stated i was emotionaly neglecting rhi and i loose her in 2012. Feb 2012 i crash and shut off for two months. 
arrested for shop lifting, fighting, drunk and disorderly, threatening a police officer during a psychotic epiaode, i have cut myself ovet the years, knives in the wall during a rage. 
My brother poured petrol over himself and threatend to set himself on fire several tiimes during my teenage years. I flipped out and attacked a group of kids with a knife in high school.



In this we have identified my root cause to be. The radio and chemo therapies that my father received in the 70s. Aswell as the unresolved grief from the death at my father.  With contributing factors of emotional and physical abuse that i received.   

Share Email a friend Be the first to comment on this blog