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What happened to your arm?
Posted by Hditoma1
3rd Apr 2015

What happened to your arm? If only I knew how "not to tell the truth" without lying.

I've always been known as an extremely bubbly character, a little weird with a laugh that's funnier than the joke told, but the last couple of years have been extremely tough on my behalf. With everything theirs a sign that people don't see, so I guess I'll explain it in this blog post. I'm not trying to make this a long post, going on about how much my life sucks because it don't, *im cheeky* and people go through stuff all the time. Let me warn you that after reading this, you may gather an opinion of me, or think of me differently, that's okay as I was expecting all that when I wrote this post.





About 2 years ago when I was in high school, I remember getting the worse news. And I remember my heart being torn. Numb. I was numb. After months of planning and prepping, and the excitement and joy that filled my heart, as the thought of being an aunty was so beyond greatness. And I remember my sister being so distort. And all I wanted to do was take the pain away. All I wanted was to feel her pain so she wouldn't have to feel. The heartbeat that she felt everyday, the abundance that was right In the centre of her womb no longer was there. I was full of some much emotional pain that i stopped feeling. I stopped feeling anything. I was nonchalant. I stopped coming school and when I did. I was silent. physical pain was the only thing that reminded me that I could feel. That I could hurt. So I began cutting myself and with every cut I could feel my sisters pain crying out and with every cut I could feel my pain crying out. I came into school and I remember sitting in the canteen. I wrapped tissue around my arm and hid it under my baggy jumper. My friend grabbed held of my hand to gesture to me, let's go and I flinched. She knew something was up. She lifted up jumper and I broke down.



I stopped completely.

Until 7months ago were I was faced with the most unhappiest period of my entire life. I had lost my relationship with God. my relationship with my parents was at turmoiled to the point were I was looking at apartments to move out. My financial stage was a mess. I was loving someone else so hard and so much which wasn't returned and in the process I abandoned myself, I forgot how much I use to love myself. I lost myself. My spark. My laughter. Not looking after myself. I was not going college much and everything seemed to spiral out of control. I started smoking. I felt trapped. Caged. I wouldn't speak to anyone. I would be in my own space and in my own company and through this I began to feel extremely caged in. I remember crying myself to sleep 5 times in a row and then waking up in the morning and smiling at everyone. I was Angry without a cause. I seemed cold. I was searching for something deeper. My freedom was lost. I needed to feel. Hence why I ended up getting tattooed 3 times in a week, I was looking for some sense of thrill to disconnect me from the feeling of numbness & loneliness. My school was threatening to get me off the course. So I was driven to cut myself. That blade became the only thing that understood my pain. Real hurt! I never spoke about. Never! And every time someone asked the excuse would change from "cat scratch to allergic reaction" Which explains my recent scars. I wanted to connect my emotional distraught n this disfunction with my physical self to remind me that I'm alive. I couldn't talk to anyone as I didn't want to feel like a burden.

They healed up. And everyday is a challenge but I cope I put my trust in God. Ive got the most amazing support system in my life right now and without them, I don't know. I'm working on myself. This is my story and I'm sharing it with you today. I'm moving towards becoming an ambassador for young people suffering from mental health perhaps inspire someone going through the same thing. I feel self harm is overlooked. And people suffering in silence need not to be afraid to ask for help. They say it's attention seeking and blah blah blah but they don't understand even a spec of how it feels to feel so low, that you stop feeling. So stop being narrow minded n if your friend tells you to listen then listen, you could be saving her life. My intention was never to kill myself but that's me, out of how ever many people. Always remember love God then yourself, first and always xx

Keep smiling :-D

BM

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