I would like to buy a new head, please.
Posted by Lucinda
15th Mar 2015

Today, the day I write this blog, I am giving up and will wait to see what happens.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to choose a new head?. A head that was brand new. No memories, No depression, anxiety and fears. Just attach it and start again. A store that sold heads of every type.
I am giving in to just becoming what I am not sure. Bat sh*t crazy?. Anxiety, agoraphobia, depression and all the rest can take me, chew me, grind me and vomit me up and I will no longer care, because I will not be here. I will be here in body but my head will be wherever it takes me to.
I cannot harm myself. I have a death fear, amongst all the other fears, however......
I cannot go on. I am exhausted mentally. I don't cry much anymore. I think I may have worn out my tear ducts. I just feel nothing, but at the same time I feel absolute love for my pets, and nature. 40 years of mental health problems have eroded my brain.I cannot pretend to be so called 'not quite normal but doing ok' and smiling sweetly any more.
I am female. I love my dog and cats. I love nature. I talk to the full moon and I talk to the stars. I talk to certain trees. I have discos in my head (Dead Head Disco) listening to music, dancing and drinking too much alcohol.I feel alive then and happy. It ends with me sobbing and falling asleep, usually waking up in the morning with a pneumatic drill boring through my brain, and my hair smelling of chicken cat food where lay on the floor next to the cat bowls. I rarely drink however.
Am I a new age traveller type? No. I am far from that, in image.(I get told I look like an air hostess, which is strange seeing as I hate flying!)
I have been treated appallingly by the mental health teams. A very long story. I did meet a couple of very genuine. caring and lovely people amongst the majority who were quite frankly useless, to the point of they did not even have the most basic of caring skills. I have listened to more woes of CPN's and other Counsellors woes than mine some times, whilst I sat there, waiting for them to ask about me.
I do not like people. I will smile and be polite. I can make small talk. I pretend to be so different to how I truly am.
I am diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, social anxiety and possible cyclothymia.
I have had a life so far that includes, sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse,bullied on and off through life at school and in jobs, depression, PMDD (extreme PMT) , post natal depression, and now pre menopause which is screwing my head up even further due to me being apparently according to Endocrinologist, very sensitive to hormones.
Father and brother sexually abused me. Mother died of alcoholism. She was mentally and physically abusive. My father also was physically abusive.
My childhood was what I describe as a war zone, a bombed out, blitzed one, and war that was never ending.
Have nothing to do with my brothers and sister, as they are all mentally unwell, but not due to that, due to them being not nice people.
I have zero friends. I don't want them. I don't trust anyone except my daughter who I rarely see
I have had varying levels of agoraphobia all of my life. After my horrific breakdown, it increased. I have my dog who helps me to get out every day for walks..
Mostly every day of my sad little boring life has been exhausting mentally. Some days I feel so happy and I relish those days but for every happy day there are are many many more depressed, anxious, mind blown by thoughts, and fears days.
I am exhausted. I take medication and this current one helps me to just about function mentally. Without it I dread to think how much worse I could become.

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