So here I am AGAIN
Posted by AliceRitaK
8th Mar 2015

My mind is busy again. It's full of what ifs, questions about mistakes I make. Thoughts that I'm not worthy. I'm a fool. Old messages of my mum sneaking through the cracks. I know these thoughts. They spell danger to me. They are untrue, they are learnt messages. If someone tells a child often enough that they are stupid that's what they grow up believing. My mum used to tell me I was nothing. What sort of mother does that? Even in therapy groups I never heard people share that. But that was my reality for a very long time.

My mum was sick and she passed her sickness onto me. Not the sadistic part, thank God but the anxiety, definitely.

So, I'm off my programme today. My angst has been all consuming. Heavy weights upon my chest impeding me from breathing. Truth is I'm scared. I need to achieve but can't. I'm like a rabbit in the headlights. Frozen, stuck, wishing yet not doing my part. What I want isn't going to happen if I don't do my part and take those first, second and third steps. Isolating and living in fear won't get me what I need.

When I start to feel more well, I know what I need to do to quell that anxiety. I"ll stop replaying the tapes in my head. That's self abuse. I shared once with a counsellor someone had told me they put their arms under a scalding tap to tackle the uncomfortableness of abuse by their father. she told me you don't need water or hot taps you hurt yourself in your head, over and over. I cut myself mentally with my thoughts. She was right. What she said made sense. Another part of denial stripped away.

Whilst I sit in regurgitation of my past injustices, wanting to convince my family of origin that they treated me badly, I am setting myself up to fail. Most are dead now, there's no war now. They never said they were sorry, they never saw they did anything wrong. So why waste my time?

I am going to sleep now. Welcome sleep and I hope insomnia will not plague me later in the night. If it does I might be back to write some more.

It's like I've failed at mental illness too because my diagnosis doesn't feel as serious as that of others. My inner parent is saying pull yourself together, what have you got to worry about. I still need to accept that my depression sometimes does not have a trigger it just happens by itself. I know I'm on shaky ground and I know what I need to do to lift myself from this murky quicksand before it drags me down further. When I choose actions in my own best interest my life improves. I hope so anyway. I'm going to sleep now. I'll get my yoga mat and relax tape out tomorrow morning. I'll start the day well. Maybe I'll catch a 12 step meet this week.
I have my weekly CBT chart up on the wall, so I can plan what actions I need to take this coming week.

Tomorrow. Yes. I hope I'll be well.

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